My wife was out with our oldest daughter and the other two
kids were in their pajamas.

“You two stay here, I’ll be back in a half an hour. I want
to go to Home Depot.”

The older girl was incredulous. “You want us to stay all by
ourselves? Isn’t that, like, illegal?”

“You’re 11!” I said. “By the time I was 11 I was working in
the slaughter house pulling the guts out of the cows, sheep
and chickens that were headed for the rich people’s tables.
Of course, we were so poor I had to give all my money to
support…”

“No you weren’t!” she cut me off, “Grandma told us you had
plenty…”

“Shutup, kid. If it wasn’t for the hole in my pocket I
wouldn’t have had anything to play with. I always wanted
one of those official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred
shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock…”

“No you didn’t! That was Ralphie!”

“Oh, well, I’m going,” I said. “Don’t answer the door if an
escaped mental patient knocks on the door. Tell him I’m
taking a dump and he’ll have to wait until I’m finished.”

Confusedly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

Daggett & Ramsdell Skin Regenerating Lotion 2.5 oz.
Renews & Helps Protect Skin For A More Beautiful You…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $12.99
Get two for: $17.98

Tired of paying $20.00, $30.00 or even $50.00 on Skin Regenerating
lotions? Well don’t EVER do it again… get Daggett & Ramsell Skin
Regenerating Lotion (Made in the U.S.A.) for a fraction of the
price. But the price is only one reason to get this… Compare it
to Estee Lauder, Oil of Olay or Clinique lines and in one week
you’ll notice this brand does a better job on your skin.

Helps restore skin from damage that is caused over time by helping
to promote surface cell regeneration and increasing hydration and
elasticity to help restore your skin’s natural beauty.In JUST ONE
WEEK you will notice a dramatic improvement in the tone and feel
of your skin!

The Amino-Peptide formula helps regenerate the appearance of the
skin and:
- Helps promote survace cell regeneration
- Helps increase hydration and elasticity
- Significantly improves the appearnce of skin tone & texture

Grab one for $12.99 or save an even insanely more amount ($8.00)
and get two bottles for $17.98.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3538/c/120/a/498

***

“Here is something pretty unbelievable. The only living
World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles just turned
109 years old. What’s even more amazing, he just finished
his fourth tour in Afghanistan.” -Jay Leno

***

A new couple were making love in the dunes. When they were
done he said, “How lucky for us that you brought a condom
with you.”

She said, “We’re even luckier than you think because I found
it here in the sand.”

***

“A new study found that eating corned beef for breakfast
could help you lose weight. That doesn’t sound like a study,
that sounds like something a guy who eats corned beef for
breakfast says.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————–
The Cozy-Cuddler: Blanket With The Sleeves
Like The Snuggie But Less
Than 1/2 The Price…

Normal Price: $19.99
OUR PRICE: $9.99
Get two for $15.98

Nap, watch TV or read under the cozy warmth of The Cozy-Cuddler.
This ingeniously designed blanket with oversized sleeves keeps
you warm and comfortable. Large sleeves let your hands move
free while keeping your arms warm.

Made of a thick and warm fleece that feels very soft on the
skin. The Cozy-Cuddler is great on a couch, a chair, in a hammock,
on your bed or anywhere else you care to take it. Perfect for
camping, a ball game and more

FEATURES:
- Ultra-soft fleece
- Non-pilling
- Machine washable
- Extra-Large Blanket Covers Entire Body From Head-to-Toe
- Large sleeves let your hands move free while keeping your arms
warm
- One size fits all
- Machine washable for easy cleaning
- Large built-in storage pocket

Turn down your thermostat and still relax in warmth and comfort
with The Cozy-Cuddler. Grab one for $9.99… or save an additional
$4.00 and get two for $15.98.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2449/c/186/a/498

———————————————————————————–

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards
with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden
of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off
the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the
road. He went inside a building marked “Registration” and saw
an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.

“It’s quite simple,” said the receptionist. “This is a nudist
camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”

“Cool,” said the guy, “count me in!” So he paid his member-
ship fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked
along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.”
A little further along he saw another sign which read the
same thing: “Beware of Gays.”

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which
had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read
the plaque and it said, “Sorry, you’ve had two warnings!”

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

“I don’t understand the conflict in the scientific and
religious communities regarding Creationism vs. Evolution,”
I said to a group of visiting clients over lunch. “I mean,
whether God created us via intelligent design or monkey’s
fucking–we are still His creation.”

“Um, yes, I guess,” said one suit. “I think the contra-
diction comes in through the story of Adam and Eve…”

“No problem,” I interrupted. “If you are an evolutionist,
then the story of Adam and Eve becomes a parable, which,
by the way, is a popular method God employs when trying
to teach us something. And if you are a creationist then
you can take it literally. Either way, the only way to
find out for certain is to die, so I’m in no hurry to know.”

“Who is this moro…guy?” one of the dickheads asked
Magilla.

“He’s buying,” Magilla replied.

“Oh, I see, um, thank you. Interesting ideas…”

Simply,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

MEMORY FOAM INSOLES
It’s like walking on air…

Retail Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $4.99

You’ll feel like walking on air with these specially designed
insoles. These Memory Foam Insole have a top layer made of
pressure-relieving, memory foam that conforms perfectly to
your foot’s shape for the most comfortable fit and support
possible. Easy-to-use… simply cut for a perfect fit… anyone
can use them… that is up to a size 11 Men’s foot.

Benefits:
- Molds to your feet for unbelievable comfort
- Excellent for people with foot conditions seeking added comfort
- Molds to your foot
- Relives pressure on the ball of your foot, bunions and joints
- Prevents heel shock by cushioning your every step
- Supports your arch
- Increases stability by cradling your foot & preventing foot roll
- Gives you custom comfort from your heel to your toes
- Provides much needed rest for your tired, achy feet

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/4006/c/120/a/498

***

“Iran fired a rocket into space carrying a mouse, a turtle,
and some worms. It reminds me of the time when I was eight
years old and my friend and I glued a cockroach to a bottle
rocket and shot it over his fence.” -Jimmy Kimmel

***

When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk:
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”

“No,” she said, “it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”

[Thanks to twisted Laffaday reader Charles Starks.]

***

“Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog
came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he
just said he was walking away from his mortgage.” -Jay Leno

———————————————————————————–
BRAWNY PRODUCE PROTECTOR BAGS
Package of 20…

Normal Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two Packages (40 Bags) for $9.98

Tired of throwing out rotten food? Brawny Produce Protector
Bags prolong the life of your fruits, vegetables and cut flowers
without the use of chemicals. Stock up on produce without
worrying about rapid spoilage or extend the life of your home-
grown fruits & veggies.

HOW PRODUCE PROTECTOR BAGS WORK:
Fruits, vegetables and flowers release ethylene gas while
ripening after harvesting or picking. Ethylene gas accelerates
ripening, aging and rotting. Forever Bags absorb and remove this
damaging gas, dramatically extending the life of fruits,
vegetables and flowers.

FEATURES:
- You get 20 Brawny Produce Protector Bags (10 – 9″ x 15″, 10 – 12″ x 17″)
- Save Money… Waste Less Produce
- Reusable up to 20 Times
- Keep Produce Fresh Approx. 30 Day
- Reduce Vitamin Loss by 50%

It does all that with NO CHEMICALS! Get one package of 20 Brawny
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for $9.98. Yep… you’re getting two for the normal price of one.
VISIT: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14363/c/120/a/498
———————————————————————————–

“Get this,” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last
night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my
house.

“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.

“yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

The other day my eight year boy son pointed out the car
window and excitedly said, “Look! A homo!”

“What!” I shrieked.

He slowed down a bit and pointed to a stretch Hummer
limousine. “A Hummer that’s a limousine, Daddy. We call
that a ‘Hummo’.”

I burst into the laughter of relief and he was pleased with
himself. “I wish you wouldn’t call it that…”

Then just last night we’re all waiting outside for a table
at the Olive Garden, when my son points through a crowd of
people and shouts, “Look, another Hummo!”

About 25 people began to give me and my wife the evil eye.

We’ll-take-that-to-go-ly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99, get two wallets for just $7.98…

Loaded with features…. Open it up and you won’t believe all
the space in this compact area. It has two (2) currency
sections, two (2) window ID’s & six (6) leather credit card
slots., six (6) clear credit card slots, one (1) hidden pouch
great for a key! There’s a spot for everything…

The Marshal motto of, Sure, Pure & Perfect is never more true
than with this classic black wallet. It’s a wallet that demands
attention!

What may be the biggest surprise is the price we have… through
a special buy, we are able to offer this quality wallet for less
than cost. In fact you can get three (3) wallets for less than
the normal price of one.

To see a picture of it (or the Classic Bifold Style),
visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3744/c/120/a/498

***

“A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried
to have sex with a tree. I don’t know about you, but I think
Al Gore has finally gone too far.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

Two friends were out walking home from the bar one night.
“Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m
gonna rip the wife’s nylons off!”

“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.

“The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me,” the first
guy replied.

***

“Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently
apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who
their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the
conversation as ‘awkward.’” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————–
AbExerciser Ball
Like The Bender Ball, But At A Savings…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99

A primary benefit of exercising with a Bodytrends exercise ball
as opposed to exercising directly on a hard flat surface is that
the body responds to the instability of the ball to remain
balanced, engaging many more muscles to do so. Those muscles
become stronger over time to keep balance. Most frequently, the
core body muscles – the abdominal muscles and back muscles – are
the focus of exercise ball fitness programs.

FEATURES:
- Includes Air Pump
- Anti Burst 9″ Exercise Ball
- Burst resistant heavy gauge PVC vinyl for durability
- Ball can be used at home, in the gym, or clinic
- Increase stability and flexibility

Grab one for 5$7.99…

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1557/c/120/a/498

———————————————————————————–

The detective was leafing through the suspect’s cime history
folder. “Hmmm, quite a record.” he said. “Shoplifting, hit-
and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault,
rape, man-slaughter…”

“Yeah, I know.” said the prisoner. “It took me quite a while
to figure out what I was good at.”

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

If you are a follower of Lewis’ Bizarre News Twitter blog
(and if you are you’d better be following mine, too!) then
you read the story about the naked vacations which are being
promoted by the American Association for Nude Recreation.

It was a hot topic around the office this morning. At some
point in the discussion somebody suggested we have a naked
day at the office.

“That’s a bad idea,” I cautioned. “The last thing you want
is to walk into the kitchen and see Magilla bent over looking
for something on the bottom shelf of the fridge. Plus, if I
came to work naked I would ruin most of you women for your
husbands.”

“don’t worry,” one of the girl’s chimed in, “it’s never going
to happen.”

“Oh, well, it was just a thought.”

Opportunistically,

TZ

P.S. If you want to read about the naked vacations you can
“follow” Lewis, or me, by going to http://www.gophertweets.com

***

OneWorld DIGITAL FM RADIO
So Many Features… Great For Travel…

List Price: $9.99
YOUR PRICE: $3.99

Get this lightweight and compact radio that does it all! Of
course you can listen to FM radio.. but you can also preset
it to quickly find 10 of your favorite stations.

What I like is that it has an Alarm Clock WITH a Snooze button.
How cool is that for a travel radio? Also has a World Time mode.

This Digital Radio has been designed to provide market leading
functionality… while being intuitive to use.

FUNCTIONS:
- 10 Channel Memory Presets
- Automatic and Manual Tuning
- Backlit Dot-Matrix Display (remains lit for 10 seconds after input)
- Snooze Alarm Clock (wake up to radio or buzzer)

World Time Size: 5 1/2″ x 3 1/2″.. and a thin 1″ thick. Uses 2
AA Batteries (not included).

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14393/c/120/a/498

***

“An employee at a Taco Bell in Alaska was sentenced to one
day in jail for throwing a taco at his manager. He’ll spend
the whole day pleading with fellow inmates to think outside
the buns.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a
beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer
and came over to harass the kid. “Aren’t you a little young
to be drinking, son?” he asked.

“That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of beer.
“I got laid when I was three.”

“What? How did that happen?”

“I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

***

“This week in New York, police arrested a man who tried to
steal 43 sticks of underarm deodorant from a drugstore. The
man is being described as ‘not European.’” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————–
Classic Comedy Duos On DVD: Only $2.99

Store Price: $9.99
OUR PRICE: $2.99

This is a collectible treasure as we take you back to the
early days of comedy caught on film. First, we have the
ever comic duo; Laurel & Hardy in one of their funniest
films ever made- Flying Deuces.

Then we hop into the time machine to the 50s and experience
the comic genius of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis in the FIRST
feature film- At War With the Army. 2 great features for the
unbelievable low price of $2.99. Get it now:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1576/c/120/a/498

———————————————————————————–

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered.” The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl.

“My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,”
but before she could say ‘Fuck!’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I’m starting to get pissed off because my wife ain’t puttin’
out lately. It’s not that she doesn’t find me completely
irresistible, because she does. I mean it’s almost unnatural
the way she feels about me. But say I’m in the mood for some
hip grinding, ass slapping, loud screaming, porky pigging and
she isn’t–then I get shut down and isolated quicker than the
Gaza Strip.

Why just last night I was feeling amorous and made the advances
that a husband has the right to make and she protested loudly.

“Stop that, TZ!” she actually hissed.

“What?” I was incredulous. “I need it now and our deal when we
first got married was that neither of us would withhold sex
from the other, ever. When either one of us felt the need we
agreed to simply take it. Now, after 16 years you have broken
our covenant. For shame! I now consider myself free to fulfill
my carnal desires elsewhere. You, my wife, are on notice.”

“Ha!” she laughed. “How many times have I tried to cash in on
that vow only to have you unable to ‘raise the mast’ and take
care of me? But right now I say no because we’re on the couch
and the kids are at the table doing their homework. But I
challenge you to a bout tonight when they’re asleep.”

“Forget it,” I said. “By then I won’t be in the mood.”

“As usual: all talk and no action.”

I-want-it-when-I-want-itly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99, get two wallets for just $7.98…

Loaded with features…. Open it up and you won’t believe all
the space in this compact area. It has two (2) currency
sections, two (2) window ID’s & six (6) leather credit card
slots., six (6) clear credit card slots, one (1) hidden pouch
great for a key! There’s a spot for everything…

The Marshal motto of, Sure, Pure & Perfect is never more true
than with this classic black wallet. It’s a wallet that demands
attention!

What may be the biggest surprise is the price we have… through
a special buy, we are able to offer this quality wallet for less
than cost. In fact you can get three (3) wallets for less than
the normal price of one.

To see a picture of it (or the Classic Bifold Style),
visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3744/c/120/a/498

***

“A new $65 tour called the ‘L.A. Gang Tour’ is being offered
in Los Angeles that takes tourists through L.A.’s most
dangerous neighborhoods. The gang tour is also known by its
other name, ‘A cab ride from the airport.’” -Conan O’Brien

***

Being married or single is a choice we all have to make.

It’s not a great choice….it’s sort of like when the
the doctor says “Ointment or suppositories?”

***

“I read that stray dogs in Moscow have figured out how to
use the subway. Crazy right? At least in New York, it only
smells like dogs have figured out how to use the subway.”
-Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————–
The Cozy-Cuddler: Blanket With The Sleeves
Like The Snuggie But Less
Than 1/2 The Price…

Normal Price: $19.99
OUR PRICE: $9.99
Get two for $15.98

Nap, watch TV or read under the cozy warmth of The Cozy-Cuddler.
This ingeniously designed blanket with oversized sleeves keeps
you warm and comfortable. Large sleeves let your hands move
free while keeping your arms warm.

Made of a thick and warm fleece that feels very soft on the
skin. The Cozy-Cuddler is great on a couch, a chair, in a hammock,
on your bed or anywhere else you care to take it. Perfect for
camping, a ball game and more

FEATURES:
- Ultra-soft fleece
- Non-pilling
- Machine washable
- Extra-Large Blanket Covers Entire Body From Head-to-Toe
- Large sleeves let your hands move free while keeping your arms
warm
- One size fits all
- Machine washable for easy cleaning
- Large built-in storage pocket

Turn down your thermostat and still relax in warmth and comfort
with The Cozy-Cuddler. Grab one for $9.99… or save an additional
$4.00 and get two for $15.98.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2449/c/186/a/498

———————————————————————————–

“Marriage Definitions”

BACHELOR: A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of
her alimony.

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife
whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look
fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that
his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.

HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until
she doesn’t do it.

HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realized
he had.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits
the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace
of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings,
and no recognition.

SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble
you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first
place.

WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having any-
thing to wear at the very same time that she complains about
not having enough room in the closet.

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I have been sexually exhausted recently, so I am going home
for a nice, home-cooked meal and then I am going to hit the
sack early for once!

Ah, who am I kidding? I haven’t gotten laid in a week. I
have been exhausted, though, but I think it’s SAD (Seasonal
Affective Disorder). We have had terrible weather here
recently and I haven’t actually seen the sun in about two
weeks. That’s not healthy.

Sunlight promotes the production of vitamin D in the body
and I’m pretty sure a person needs plenty of vitamin D to
produce jizz. Hey! Maybe that’s why my libido has been off
recently. It’s a vicious circle.

Deficiently,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

Rockin’ Buns
Rock your body for total health & fitness…

List Price: $39.99
DEAL PRICE: $19.99
Get Two: $29.98

This is a very unique item, and it’s been a top selling item in
Europe for a year and finally has made its way to the U.S.
Let me tell you… you will feel it instantly. It takes a little
getting used to, but after a few minutes you’ll master the motion
and begin to feel it. At least we did when we tested it.

Rockin’ Buns lets you tone and tighten your derriere, legs, thighs,
hips and more. Helps strengthen back muscle and relieve back pains.
Includes two (2) large massage balls and 10 smaller massage balls
that are interchangeable for customized positioning.

FEATURES:
- Tones and tightens your entire body
- Includes Two (2) Large Customizing Massage Balls
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Grab one for $19.99 or grab two for $29.98… makes a great gift.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2405/c/117/a/498

***

“Earlier this week in California, a goat somehow got into
a strip club and caused $2,000 worth of damage. Then it got
up on stage and earned all that money back.” -Conan O’Brien

***

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who
was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son to
Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots,
it’s a great school, and completely secular.

After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, “By the
way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”

The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by
the shoulders and declares, “Danny, I’m going to tell you
something now and I want you never to forget it. There is
only one God… and we don’t believe in him!”

***

“I just heard that Starbucks recently raised the prices on
almost all of its popular drinks. A company spokesperson
said Starbucks is confident that people will still buy their
coffee, because it was already way too expensive before.”
-Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————–
FUZZY SOCKS – Very Soft & Comfy…

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Get two for $4.98

Warm and cozy microfiber socks come in a variety of stripes
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These quality socks are made of 97% Polyester, 2% Spandex
and 1% Rubber. Machine washable. Women’s size 9-11.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of the low cost, colors are chosen
at random. Grab a bunch by visiting:

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———————————————————————————–

Anyone who’s ever been to a “teaching hospital” knows to
expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.
At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of
students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a
gown, was obviously very well endowed.

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become
familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes
back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.

The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded
to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.

The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then
looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be.
Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I never should have let my wife have friends, and I’ll
tell you why. She recently confronted me with a list of
celebrities she wants to sleep with. I’m not kidding!

Apparently she got the idea from some of her married
friends who have similar lists. I guess the idea is that
if the unlikely opportunity ever arose for her to climb
into the sack with one of these dream men she should be
able to do it without any incrimination from me.

Her list (still in the drafting stages according to her)
includes; George Clooney, Clive Owen, Matthew McConaughey
and somebody named Josh Duhamel.

“Who the hell is Josh Duhamel?” I asked.

“He’s married to Fergie,” she responded.

“And who the hell is Fergie?”

Needless to say this discussion quickly devolved into some-
thing of an argument. In an effort to backpedal she told me
that it was only fair that I could have a list too.

So I thought about it for a minute and said, “Okay, the first
dream girl on my list is Cheryl.”

“You mean Cheryl from down the street?”

“The very same,” I answered.

“You can’t pick a neighbor!” she yelled. “It has to be a
celebrity.”

“Oh, she’s a celebrity in my fantasies.”

In retrospect that might not have been the best answer.

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

GopherCentral Book Collection
Six Sensational Books At One LOW Price…

List Price: $59.92
Deal Price: $5.99

A collection of six books from some of GopherCentral.com’s
favorite publications. From the funny and bizarre to the
thrifty and tasty each book is a treat. From good clean
jokes to the R-rated ones that might make you blush. This
collection has it all. Plus you even get the book wonderful
book Corporate Soul.

This book collection includes:
- Best of Laff A Day – World According To TZ
- Best of Clean Laffs
- Thrifty Tips
- In The Kitchen With Marzee – The Daily Recipe
- Best of Bizarre News II (Uncensored)
- Corporate Soul

Order your collection today for just $5.99 by visiting:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1061/c/117/a/498

***

“Some scholars of ancient Hebrew are now suggesting that
certain portions of the Bible could have been written
centuries earlier than others. The scholars say they know
this because the newer portions all begin, ‘Previously,
on ‘The Bible.’” -Conan O’Brien

***

After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut
back on expenses – I had to give up drinking beer. I was
not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she
came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45
in makeup.

I said, “Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t
given up anything!”

She said, “I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty
for you.”

I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!”

I don’t think she’ll be back.

***

“Four TSA workers at Los Angeles International Airport were
videotaped snorting drugs. It was the first time people had
ever seen lines go that fast at the airport.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————–
Daggett & Ramsdell Skin Regenerating Lotion 2.5 oz.
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Tired of paying $20.00, $30.00 or even $50.00 on Skin Regenerating
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you’ll notice this brand does a better job on your skin.

Helps restore skin from damage that is caused over time by helping
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The Amino-Peptide formula helps regenerate the appearance of the
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Grab one for $12.99 or save an even insanely more amount ($8.00)
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———————————————————————————–

An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his
stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his
new-found French friends shooting the breeze. The subject
turns to language, and the American says, “Guys, I do have
one question left. I keep hearing this expression, ’sang
froid’. What does it mean? I know that it literally means,
‘cold blood’, but how is it used?”

The first Frenchman replies, “Ah, zat is easy. Say that a
man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed
with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out
without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!”

The second Frenchman interjected, “You have eet all wrong!
If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand
zere, and say, ‘Please don’t mind me; continue’, zen *zat*
is sang froid!”

“Non, non, non!” burst out the third. “If ze gentleman
bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there
saying, ‘Please continue’, and his friend *CAN* continue,
*zat* is sang froid!”

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

We have a college kid in the office who works part time
sabotaging our video site http://www.evtv1.com and generally
causing mischief. He’s a nice kid but he’s not exactly the
sharpest tool in the shed.

Anyway, today I heard him bragging about a thirteen-inch
throwing knife he bought off the Internet and I had to inter-
ject.

“What in God’s name do you think you’re going to do with
something like that? What kind of situation do you think
you’re going to be in that you’ll need a thirteen-inch
throwing knife?”

“TZ,” he answered me, “I don’t want to imagine a situation
where I’d need a thirteen-inch throwing knife and didn’t
have one.”

Well, how can you argue with logic like that?

Debatingly,

TZ

P.S. Remember, folks, you can follow Laffaday on Twitter.
Lewis has been rubbing it in my face that his Bizarre News
Twitter account has more followers than Laffaday’s. If you
guys can give me more followers than Bizarre News I promise
to show you all a naked picture of my wife. How’s that for
incentive?

***

Crystal Nail File 2-Pack
The Latest Innovation In Nail Care…

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Crystal Glass nail files are the perfect solution for shaping
both natural and artificial nails. The files are very gentle
on the natural nail and with regular use can help prevent
splitting and peeling and they give a lovely smooth finish.

Extremely hygienic… unlike other nail files, the Crystal
Glass nail file is not porous and cannot absorb water and
create an environment for disease (bacterial or fungal). Plus
they can be disinfected, boiled or sterilized by any known means
or simply washed under hot running water.

Mostly you’re going to love how they provide a smoother filing
process. NO MORE JAGGED EDGES…

Great for acrylic nails and in the place of a pumice stone. These
files feature two levels of abrasion.

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***

“The other day in Turkey, villagers in a small town were
shocked when a sheep gave birth to a calf with a human
face. Sounds like there’s one guy in that town who has a
lot of explaining to do.” -Conan O’Brien

***

The government announced today that it is changing its
emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government’s political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

It just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

***

“While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President
Obama said, ‘There is, of course, no foolproof solution. We
have to stay one step ahead of a nimble adversary.’ Sounds
like somebody saw Sherlock Holmes over the holiday.”
-Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————–
NEW & IMPROVED – PET BLINKERS… The Pet Safety Light
Protect Yourself & Your Pet!

Store Price: $7.99
DEAL PRICE: $3.99 or less

Pet Blinkers give you the added security and peace of mind
knowing you and your pet(s) are visible at night. Whether
you’re going for a jog with your pet or if you just want
extra attention, attach the Pet Blinker to your pet’s collar
and be seen a half-mile away. These eye-catching LEDs
accessorize any pet. Requires three AG3 lithium cell
batteries (included).

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3807/c/120/a/498

———————————————————————————–

Back in my working days I was a union linotype operator in a
daily newspaper on Cape Cod. Our employment required 6 years
of apprenticeship prior to receiving a journeyman’s
credentials. We were required to be proficient in English,
particularly spelling and meaning of words, among others.

One day a fellow worker while setting a story came across the
word, “butte” and asked his co-worker the difference between
a butte, mountain or mesa, etc. A discussion arose amongst
several of us and the comparison was made as well of canyons,
escarpmets, bluffs. etc.

Someone suggested we ask Jeannie, one of our proofreaders to
settle the question. Well, Jeannie was what one might say a
worldly lady, and when approached by our representative with:
“Hey, Jeannie, what’s a butte?”

She promptly replied: “Offhand, I’d say, one about this
long;” signifying a distance of about 8 inches with her hands.

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

If anybody has seen the new Avatar movie you have seen the
next generation of cinema. The movie may not have exactly
been brilliant, but the techniques and 3-D photography are
the foreseeable future of filmmaking.

This technology has been about a decade in development,
costing millions of dollars to produce, and as soon as it
became commercially practical the first industry on the
bandwagon, as you could probably guess, was porn.

At an Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas over the week-
end an unprecedented online porn feature was introduced in
a first-of-a-kind 3-D viewing system.

Adult expo attendees wearing “active shutter glasses”
grinned as they immersed themselves in a video displayed
in 3-D on a giant high-definition television.

The package consists of a 60-inch -D television; a compact
computer server, and shutter glasses that synch with the
screen to trick eyes into viewing in 3-D.

The whole system is priced at 4,000 dollars, and a sub-
scription to the online video library costs 20 dollars a
month.

I already know what you’re thinking…for 4,000 bucks I
could get all sorts of real women…and that’s true, but
with the 3-D porn system at least you won’t end up with
Chlamydia.

Better-safe-than-sorry,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

…….. “Oh, My Aching Back” ……..

THE BACK STRETCHER by North American Healthcare
Great For Aching Muscles Stress & More…

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DEAL PRICE: $24.99
Get Two for $39.98

“OH MY ACHING BACK”… If you’ve ever uttered these words,
take note of this amazing Back Stretcher that uses natural
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Stretch your back and increase flexibility using this gently
curved arch to help naturally relieve pain caused by excessive
bending, muscle spasms and spinal compression.

Simply lie on the arch on a firm surface for a few minutes per
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Grab one for $24.99 or get two (one for home & one for the
office) for $39.96. VISIT:

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***

“The owner of a wrinkly dog in Australia has given his pet
a full face-lift and a double eye-lift so it won’t go blind.
Unfortunately, after getting all that plastic surgery, the
dog left its owner to live with a younger, hotter family.”
-Jimmy Fallon

***

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers
shooting the breeze.

Billy-Bob asked Bubba, “If I snuck ovah to yore house while
you wuz out fishin an’ fucked your wife, an’ she got
pregnant, would dat make us kin?”

Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, “I don’t think
so….but it sho would make us even.”

***

“Did you hear about this guy on the flight to Detroit that
tried to make his underwear explode? They took him to court,
and he was charged with having ‘weapons of mass destruction’
in his pants. He told the judge, ‘Well, I get no complaints
from the ladies.’” -David Letterman

———————————————————————————–
Pillow Play – iPod Pillow W/ Speakers
Makes A Great Gift & It’s 1/2 Price…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99
Get two for: $15.98 – An Additional $4.00 Savings

This iPod pillow speaker is perfect if you love to go to bed
with music, but loathe wearing uncomfortable headphones. This
iPod and mp3 player speaker has a zippered pocket that holds
your plugged-in player securely in place.

And it has a built-in radio too! Makes a Great Gift for kids,
teens or college students!

The portable mp3 speaker is compatible with any iPod or mp3
player, as well as other audio sources such as CD players.

FEATURES:
- Pressure sensitive controls
- Tune into your favorite radio station
- Play all models of iPod, MP3 players or CD players
- Zipper compartment on back to plug and stash your player
- Shell is PU Leather (vinyl like) which makes it able to be wiped clean.
- Control area is plush and soft to the touch.
- Runs on 4 ‘AA’ batteries (INCLUDED)and neatly stored in side Velcro pocket

Grab one for $9.99 or get two for $15.98… great gift item…
visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3585/c/120/a/498
———————————————————————————–

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points
in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,
she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her vagina. In considerable
pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the ex-
amining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat
and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, “What took you so long?”

The unperturbed doctor replied, “Well, I had to get permits
from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-
growth timber from a recreational area.”

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

When my kids were little I couldn’t wait for them to get
older. They were in such constant need of attention I
fantasized about the day when they would be independent
enough to leave me the hell alone for five minutes.

The optimism of inexperience.

When they were little they were easy to take care of. If
I wanted to keep track of any of them I just locked them
in the car seat or the high chair. I always knew where
they were. I could carry them wherever I wanted to go.

Now they’re all over the place. I don’t know why I thought
they would be more independent, because they are constantly
at my elbow, asking for money, asking for rides, asking for
new clothes, asking for toys, asking for help with their
homework!

I was complaining about this to the wife who cautioned me
that when they do finally start to become really independent,
driving, spending all day at school and sports and eventually
going college, that I am going to suffer from empty nest
syndrome.

“No problem,” I answered, “I’ll just get a dog and a mistress.”

Problem-solvingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

MINI DISINFECTING UV SCANNER…

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $14.99
SAVE EVEN MORE: Get Two for $25.98

This lightweight scanner instantly disinfects faucets, door
knobs, keyboards, phones & more! The UV light kills 99.9% of
germs in just 10 seconds. It is safe & effective. It includes
a carrying pouch for traveling or for a purse.

If you travel, you simply MUST have this. Take a few minutes
and run it over your hotel bed and sheets… you wouldn’t
believe the germs in even the finest hotels. And don’t forget
to run it over the almost never wiped down phones and remote
controls.

Remember get one for $14.98 or two (2) for $25.98. To see this
or get more info, visit:

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***

“It’s been reported that a woman is now trying to sell a
sex tape she made with Tiger Woods. The sex tape will be
available soon at adult bookstores in the Tiger Woods’
section.” -Conan O’Brien

***

A woman was in court charged with the attempted murder of
her husband.

“But why did you stab him over a hundred times?” asked the
judge.

“Oh, your Honor,” replied the defendant, “It wasn’t my fault.
I didn’t know how to switch off the electric carving knife!”

***

“Health officials in Mexico have issued a warning after
thousands of dead fish have washed up on the coast. They
don’t know what killed the fish, though a single bullet
wound to the back of the head may indicate drug cartel
involvement.” -Jimmy Kimmel

———————————————————————————–
Arm Rest Organizer w/ Table-Top
Organize & Store All Your Favorite TV Accessories, & More…

List Price: $24.99
DEAL PRICE: $14.99
Get Two for: $23.98

Organize your magazines, remote controls, eye glasses,
telephone and more with this handy Arm Rest Organizer.

This is a true family room organizer that stores all that
stuff that sits on your end tables in one convenient location.
Now you’ll always know right where your cross-word puzzle is.
The Arm Rest Organizer also features a tray for a beverage or
a snack.

FEATURES:
- Fits over sofa arm for easy installation
- 6 large pockets
- Large Table-Top (18″ x 7″) surface perfect for snacks,
writing notes & more
- Adjustable design fits most arm rest on couches or chairs
- Color: Black

The Arm Rest Organizer features a durable black fabric. One
side of the organizer features two large pockets, while the
other side has one large pocket for magazines and three smaller
pockets for pens, glasses and remotes. The flat surface in the
center features a ridge around the edge to keep items from
sliding off, and makes a great snack or writing table.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1323/c/120/a/498

———————————————————————————–

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from
40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film

2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if incorrectly used

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of
precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no
apparent reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when
saturated with alcohol

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.