Greetings Laff Lovers,

An older friend of mine was recently diagnosed with prostate
cancer. After much consideration he decided to get those
radioactive seeds implanted into his colon.

“So,” I said, “they shove these seeds up your ass and they kill
the cancer?”

“They are not shoved up my ass,” he said. “They are medically
implanted.”

“Sorry, man.”

“I’m not as worried as I was before. This new doctor is such a
pleasure to talk to. Best medical experience ever. He makes it
so I almost glad I got cancer.”

“Yeah, well, umm, congratulations.”

Treatingly,

TZ

As time goes by and we grow older I think it is important for
us all to consciously take inventory of our lives. To look in
the mirror and objectively examine our character. To unwind the
fabric of the psyche to see if our thought processes are based
on selfish motivations and obfuscated reality, or on the firmer
foundation of faith, justice, patience and goodwill. It is a
time to right wrongs and heal wounds. A time for activity and
purpose. A time for resolution.

So I resolve to be a better man. A man of introspection and
consideration. A man for humanity. A man whose auto-pilot is
set on a steady course to enlightenment. Yes, I will change!
Man does have the ability to change! I will be progressive and
free-thinking–in tune with the universe. I will listen intently
to my brothers and sisters—especially the sisters, for I have
not been fair to them. I promise, from this day forward, I will
resist the temptation to constantly correct you. I will not
spend my time finding fault with your logic. I will hear you!
I promise to listen and not just stand in front of you, mouth
open and drooling, staring at your tits.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with a lot of pleasure.
—Clarence Darrow

What’s the difference between being hard up, and down and out?

About two minutes.

A Jewish guy is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a
woman who’s lying on the sidewalk.

The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.

The Jewish guy rolls down the window, and starts yelling,
“Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!”

I just got back from the dentist. She did me ugly. She gave me
a shot of Novocain and said in her Japanese accent, “You tella
me when you lips geta numb, hai?”

I said, “Hai.” But after several minutes I told her that the
numbness was going in the wrong direction. “My back teeth and
cheek are numb  – not the front.”

“Oh, so solly,” she said, before giving me another shot. “Ohh,
you gonna be plenty numb now.”

But again, the numbness went in the wrong direction. Now my
throat was numb. “I think we have a problem,” I said. My throat
feels like Linda Lovelace’s did after she made Deep Throat.
Maybe you should pick a different spot to inject?”

“Are you doctor?” she snapped. “You go medical school? No?
You prolly a ditch digga. Then why you tell me my job, gaijin?
I dentist. You nothing. You shut mouth… I prolly first
dentist who tell you to shut mouth,” she said laughing heartily
at her own joke.

I let her have her laugh, but when she finished I said, “You may
be a doctor and a dentist, but after five shots the front of my
mouth is not getting numb. Instead the numbness has now traveled
down my throat and into my balls. What do they do for that in
the land of the rising sun, huh?”

The scary thing is that she put on a rubber glove and grabbed
some lube.

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

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