I went for my one-week eye check-up this morning. 20/20.
That’s practically miraculous considering I couldn’t see
anything closer than three feet in front of my face without
glasses or contact lenses just one week ago.

My joy today is a little blunted by the fact that I cannot
breathe or swallow without pain. This cold is just getting
worse. So I am going home early, taking some drugs and
wrapping myself up in blankets.

I’m not even going to ask my wife for a hummer. That’ll
give you an idea of how shitty I feel right now.

Sightedly,

TZ

“Ashley Dupree, Eliot Spitzer’s hooker, says she’s sorry
for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer’s wife, and that
she feels connected to her. Maybe if she wasn’t connected
to her husband, none of this would have happened.”
 -Jay Leno

SET OF 20 SUPER HOOKS
Simply Clever… Just Push & Turn…

Normal Price: $14.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get 2 Sets (40 hooks total) for $9.98

Say goodbye to your hammer and nails. Now you can hang pictures,
mirrors, shelves or more FAST, EASY, and more SECURELY than
every before.

With these clever Super Hooks, all you do is just position,
twist, turn and voila!! No drills, no hammers, no mess.

You get a set of 20.

Works on drywall, plaster or paneling. Perfect for home,
office, or school. Holds up to 100 lbs.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/5k03d7
<a href=”http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/5k03d7“>
SUPER HOOKS – Simply Clever… Just Push & Turn</a>

The four most important things for a plumber to learn:

1.Hot on the left, cold on the right.
2.Shit flows downhill.
3.Payday is Friday.
4.Don’t chew your fingernails.

“President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His
team is hard at work packing his Legos for the long move
back to Texas.” -Jimmy Kimmel

CelebSLIM (30 Day Supply)
Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

Retail Price: $49.99
DEAL PRICE: $19.99

Let’s face it most diets fail. Is what you are currently doing,
working for you? Are you ready for your next big change?

Grab a bottle of CelebSLIM Extra Strength and within two weeks
you will notice a difference… we promise!

If after just two weeks you don’t:
1. Lose weight    2. Feel Better    3. AND Have Less Cravings

(not just one but if you don’t experience ALL THREE), then return
the unused portion for a full refund of the 30 day supply.

For years Celebrities have been paying almost $50 a bottle for
this secret formula that works!

What Does CelebSLIM do?:
- Suppresses Your Appetite…    
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Plus there is… No Caffeine! No Ephedra! No Jitters…

BEST OF ALL, Take only 1 pill a day to be CelebSLIM…
Grab a 30 day bottle… you have nothing to lose but weight…
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Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim</a>

BEER vs PUSSY.

1. Beer is always wet while the pussy needs to be stimulated.
1 point for beer.

2. Hot beer is certainly not good. 1 point for pussy.

3. A cold beer offers you satisfaction. 1 point for beer.

4. If you find a hair between your teethes while drinking
beer, it could make you feel sick. 1 point for pussy.

5. If you return home and you smell like beer, your wife
will have a fight with you. If you return home and you smell
like pussy, your wife will dump you. 1 point for beer and 1
point for pussy (depending on your situation).

6. If you have a beer with the condom on, you don’t feel a
difference in taste. 1 point for beer.

7. If you keep asking yourself how will the next pussy be,
it’s natural. If you ask yourself how will the next beer be,
you’re an alcoholic. 1 point for pussy.

8. The government has a tax on beer. 1 point for pussy.

9. You are always certain to be the first opening the bottle
of beer. 1 point for beer.

10. Beer doesn’t have a mother you have to meet. 1 point for
beer.

———————————————————————————————-

           *** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

  It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
  F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:
  <a href=” http://www.gophercentral.com/book/laff.html “>
  Laffaday Book</a>

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

So I walked into the laser surgery place and they took me
into a room with comfy sofas and offered me a pill.

“What’s that?” I asked

“A little Valium to take the edge off,” she smiled.

“I like my edge, I’ll pass.”

“Oh, good, the doctor will take it then. He’s a little
nervous, this being his first surgery and all.”

“Huh?” I said. “There must be some mistake–I took the
deluxe package, not the cheap let the flunky, drunk doctor
do it package.”

“No, I have you for the ‘Cheapo Package’ which means an
almost sober doctor using our old laser machine.”

“Here’s my receipt.”

She looked at it. “Oh, my bad. I guess you get our ace who
almost graduated college.”

So I go into surgery and meet the doctor for the first time.
He’s a hippie. “Hey there, TZ, you ready to do this?”

“Doc, in this situation I’m like a woman and you’re the man:
I just have to lie here while you have to perform. So the
question is ‘are YOU ready to do this?’”

The nurse inhaled sharply and the doctor laughed. “I’m
ready. Let’s do this thang. What kind of music would you
like?”

“I don’t give a fu…umm, the Beatles.”

So he went to work and began hooking something up to my
right eye to keep it open. “You’ll feel some pressure.”

And I felt some pressure as he hooked up the laser to make
the flap. Then he did something else and the laser to make
the correction began to knock like a compressor and I
smelled my eye tissue burning.

He kept talking about the Beatles while his nurse called out
numbers.

“OK, time for the left.”

“Wow, that wasn’t bad,” I said.

“Cool,” he said as ‘As My Guitar Gently Weeps’ played in the
background.

They did the left, but this time I felt more pressure and my
sight went black. “Am I closing my eye?” I asked.

“Nope, it’s all good. Almost done,” he said as the laser went
‘bangeda bangeda bangeda bang,’ and I smelled the tissue of
my eye burning.

He disconnect the contraption, dowsed my eyes with something
and spoke words of encouragement as he put his hand on my
shoulder. “It couldn’t have gone any better. I think I got
your sight better than we promised…and these machines are
the best in the world. If there were better lasers I’d have
them.”

Those words comforted me greatly. So much so that I was moved
to try and embrace the nurse. Unfortunately my eyes were
closed and my aim wasn’t so good and I ended up squeezing her
tits.

“Oh, sorry,” I said.

They quickly led me out of the room into the loving hands of
my wife.

“Here is your husband,” said the nurse, “the pig. Normally we
need to see the patient the following day, then again in a
week, but you don’t have to come back for a year.”

Clearly,

TZ

“Obama is preparing to move his whole family to Washington.
Barack and Michelle are looking for a church in Washington.
They’re probably asking every prospective pastor the same
question, ‘Have you ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God
damn America!’?” -Conan O’Brien

BODY SHAPING UNDERGARMENT
Like Spanx But Less Than 1/2 The Price…

Normal Price: $24.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99
Get Two Pair for $15.98 (mix n match sizes)

The Body Shaper is a revolutionary slimming and lifting
undergarment than can give you a sexy, curvy hour glass
figure in and instant!

Made from a super comfortable miracle micro fiber, it is the
most effective solution for quickly smoothing out unsightly
bulges and getting your figure back. Just slip on a pair and
watch as the elastic ribbed support flattens and lifts for an
instant tummy tuck, how the side panels firm-up thighs, and
how the double U band ribbing lifts and shapes for a sexy butt!

Just imagine… No more confining girdles or strangling control
top pantyhose! With the Body Shaper, you go from bulging and
bumpy to tight and trim!

All of your problem areas are targeted at once!
- Flatten tummy   – Slim thighs    – Firm and lift butt

The cotton gusset keeps you dry and comfortable. Different
sizes are available. Check It Out By Visiting:
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<a href=”http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/1k1958“>
Like Spanx But Less Than 1/2 The Price…</a>

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

“Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?”

“No idea.” says the other.

“But you’ve got a newspaper in your pocket,” he says.

“Sorry mate, it’s no use, it’s yesterday’s!”

“Madam, you have between your legs an instrument that can
give pleasure to thousands…and all you can do is scratch
it” –Sir Thomas Beecham, to a lady cellist

FUZZY SOCKS – Very Soft & Comfy…

Retail Price: $7.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

Warm and cozy microfiber socks come in a variety of stripes
and solid colors. So soft you have feel it to believe it!
These quality socks are made of 97% Polyester, 2% Spandex
and 1% Rubber. Machine washable. Women’s size 9-11.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of the low cost, colors are chosen
at random. Grab a bunch by visiting:
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FUZZY SOCKS – Very Soft & Comfy…</a>

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-
boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’
shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very  moment!’

My eyes  lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming
or this is goin to be my lucky day!’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I   embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I  asked, ‘What was that all
about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s  broken.’

———————————————————————————————-

           *** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

  It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
  F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:
  <a href=” http://www.gophercentral.com/book/laff.html “>
  Laffaday Book</a>

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Damnit! I went for my screening yesterday and other than
being shaped like footballs my eyes are in perfect health.
I have to be honest and say that I was almost hoping there
would be something wrong. Nothing serious, just something
that would have prevented me from having the procedure.

But now I actually have to decide whether to let some old
guy screw around inside my eyeballs with a laser.

Well, I had pretty much already decided before I even went
in for the screening, so I made an appointment right then
and there. I’m going in Friday afternoon.

I don’t mind saying this is about as nervous as I’ve been
since my wife missed her period for eight days (after I
had been consistently wearing a rubber for two years).

Committedly,

TZ

“The Obamas are getting a new puppy for the White House.
They’re still trying to decide what to name it. They’re
thinking Rex if it’s a boy, and Hillary if it’s a bitch.”
 -Craig Ferguson

3-PC SILICONE BAKEWARE SET
Cooks Evenly & Never Sticks…
 
Retail Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99
Get two for $15.98

Professional chefs have long appreciated the benefits of high-
temperature silicone bakeware. Made of FDA-approved food grade
silicone, this 3-pc. set goes easily from freezer to oven and
temperature extremes from 58° to 428° F.

The flexible material ensures even heat distribution, quick
cooling and easy removal of baked goods. Just let cool, invert
pan and apply pressure to the bottom while carefully peeling
back or twisting bakeware. Nonstick finish does not retain
odors or flavors and is stain resistant. Pans can be folded for
easy storage.

Set Includes:
- One (1) Muffin Pan 9 3/4″ x 6 3/4″ x 1 1/3″
- One (1) Bundt Pan 10 1/4″ x 3 1/2″
- One (1) Loaf Pan 8 1/2″ x 4″ x 2 3/4″

Best of all… all are dishwasher, freezer and microwave safe.
Grab one set for $9.99 or get two sets for $15.98. Visit:
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3-PC SILICONE BAKEWARE SET</a>

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very
difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The doctor said, “Which position do you use?”

“Doggy-style,” he replied.

“Why don’t you go home and, tonight, try it missionary
position and see if that works any better,” said the doctor.

“We’ve tried that” he said, “but my dog has such bad breath.”

“Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants To Accomplish While
Still In Office: #6… Now that he’s got nothing to lose,
nail a hefty intern.” -David Letterman

SUPER SIZE SHAMMIE
Made In Germany, Don’t Be Fooled By Others…

Retail Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

Now is the time to get this FULL SIZED SHAMMIE for just $2.99.
Made in Germany don’t be fooled by others on the market that
just don’t do the job AND are more than triple the price!

Like on TV, this Super Size Shammie Absorbs 50% than natural
chamois. It’s extra large size of 27 x 17 can be cut in half
for smaller jobs. Durable enough for just about any task, but
soft and gentle enough for use on any surface.

It’s the PERFECT cleaning cloth and has hundreds of household
uses: floors, countertops, appliances, furniture windows, pets
and more. Perfect for washing car or boat, too!. Like on TV,
this soft, absorbent and non-abrasive cloth is 100% polyester
and will not scratch or damage any surface. Best of all… it’s
reusable! Just machine washable… but do not tumble dry.
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SUPER SIZE SHAMMIE – Made In Germany…</a>

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see
 you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your
 point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24
 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died,
 would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and
 give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without
 calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad.
 They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

———————————————————————————————-

           *** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

  It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
  F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:
  <a href=” http://www.gophercentral.com/book/laff.html “>
  Laffaday Book</a>

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.