We’ve had some gorgeous weather here in the Chicago area
lately. Today it topped 60 degrees (Fahrenheit). Well,
that’s global warming for you. But all of this warm, sunny
weather has been making me think of one thing; golf.

I got a taste of it a few months ago when I visited my
nephew in Texas, and I was appalled at how rusty my game
has gotten. I can’t wait to get back out there and
hammer my score back down into the 80s where it belongs.

Most people start getting all horny when the weather warms
up, but I guess it’s a symptom of being married for six-
teen years that I’m more interested in golf.

Tell you the truth, I’m probably better at sex than I am
at golf, but golf is more fun.

Honestly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

Tush-eez Seat Cushion
RELAX… It’s Easy With The Tush-eez Cushion…

List Price: $17.99
Deal Price: $11.99
Get two for $18.98

Sit comfortably for hours without pain or discomfort. Take
it with you wherever you go.

This specially designed seat cushion helps reduce pressure so
you can sit for hours without pain or discomfort. The gently
sloping wedge shape that aligns the spine to help reduce
back pain. Made of ultra-comfortable polyurethane foam with
a washable fleece-cover that looks like sheepskin.

FEATURES:
- Gently sloping wedge shape
- Helps align the spine and eliminate pressure
- A cut out section to eliminate painful pressure on the tail bone
- Width 16″ X Length 13″ X Depth 3″
- Polyurethane foam with washable polyester fleece cover

Get one for $11.99 or get two for $18.98. Just visit HERE…
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1060/c/120/a/%%merge lists_.nalt3_%%

***

“In his new interview, Gov. Paterson said he hired a criminal
defense lawyer not because he’s guilty of anything, but to
get ‘the best possible advice.’ That sounds believable.
That’s like telling your girlfriend you got an STD test just
because you were bored.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

Ethyl was talking to her hair stylist. “It’s silly,” she
said, “but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about
losing her hair.”

“What do you mean?” the beautician asked.

“Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling
her best friend that she hoped she’d be balled soon.”

***

“Scientists at Rutgers University have invented a bedbug
detector and trap. It will enable you to catch millions of
bedbugs. If you’ve got millions of bedbugs, you need to
switch your online dating service.” -Jay Leno

———————————————————————————–
Triple Flap Leather Wallet by Samsonite

List Price: $24.99
DEAL PRICE: $7.99
Get Two for: $11.98

This Triple Flap Leather Wallet features three button flaps
in different colors for easy organization and storage. Flaps
open to reveal three pockets: two with credit card/ID slots,
and one with an additional inner pocket. Also features back
zipper pocket and key chain.

This is one great deal. Grab a couple to keep extra on hand
because they make a great, inexpensive gift that people will
think you spent a whole lot on. The Samsonite® brand tells you
it’s great quality that will last a lifetime!

Perfect for traveling or to keep your receipts organized
while you shop. This wallet has enough room to keep you
organized. Dimensions: 4.5″ x 6.5″
Grab one for $7.99 or save $4.00 and get two for $11.98.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2412/c/120/a/%%merge lists_.nalt3_%%
———————————————————————————–

Need a day off? Here are some excuses you can use…

If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to
my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about
it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some
kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right
up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only
by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log
(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog
on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be
in late, or early.

My stigmata’s acting up.

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.
OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I
know we have that deadline to meet.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit dis-
order and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be
able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking
with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

A friend of mine brought a pal of his to complete our foursome
this weekend. This guy was something else. It was like he was
right out of central casting for a mob movie.

When my buddy miscounted his score on a hole, I said, “You’re
a liar and you’re going to hell.”

He said, “I’m counting on the mercy of God and not on the
vicissitudes of justice.”

The new guy piped up quickly, “My cousin Tony had one of dem
vicissitudes ’cause he didn’t want no more kids. He said it
took a long time for his balls to stop hurting, too. No
vicissitude for me, thank you very much–no matter how much
fuckin’ the old lady would let me do.”

Unexpectedly,

TZ

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm
destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to
the heavens, “Why, God? Why me?” and the thundering voice
of God answered, “There’s just something about you that
pisses me off.” –Stephen King

CelebSLIM (30 Day Supply)
Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

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Get two bottles (60 Days) for $15.98

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For years Celebrities have been paying almost $50 a bottle for
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BEST OF ALL, Take only 1 pill a day to be CelebSLIM…
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Visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/4051/c/120/a/498

Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

This guy was overheard talking to a girl in a restaurant.

Guy: “Yeah, I was a rocket scientist, but I gave it all up
three months ago and became a photographer.”

Waiter: “I became a ninja.”

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.

“Oy, Abraham, I’m sorry to hear about that fire at your
warehouse.”

“Ssh!” hisses the other, “It’s not till next week.”

WIRELESS HEADPHONES
w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio

TV & Store Price: $14.99
OUR PRICE: $3.99

These Wireless Headphones With Built-In FM Radio allow you to
enjoy music anywhere in your home or office without any wires.

The manufacturer says you can use these for up to 30 feet away
from the base. Our testing says it is closer to 20 feet.

They’re Easy To Use… The transmitter quickly connects to any
receiver, DVD player, gaming systems, computers and more
with the RCA adapter (included).

FIVE (5) FUNCTIONS IN ONE:
- Wireless Headphones – Internet Chat/Gaming – Audio Monitoring
– FM Auto-Scan Radio -Wired Audio Connection

If you’re looking for a pair of wireless headphones that are a
great value but not fabulous quality… here it is. These sold
for $14.99 in Circuit City… grab a pair or two for $3.99…
heck even the FM radio is worth this!

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WIRELESS HEADPHONES w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road
which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael
O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe
old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick
O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that
got to be 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to
see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
“Miles, from Dublin.”

————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I have a friend whose son is on the high school golf team.
He’s good and hoping to get to college on a scholarship.

The three of us were having lunch over the weekend when the
father said, “It’s very important to love what you do for
a living. You’ll spend more time at work than you will with
your family, so find something you are passionate about and
make a life out of it.”

I elbowed the kid and said, “It might be kind of tough to
make a living out of golf and Internet porn, so you may
want to come up with an alternative or two.”

Advisingly,

TZ

Nothern Comfort: After killing a pint of Southern Comfort,
there is still no desire to bone your sister.

5-in-1 Color Changing LCD Clock
Incredible Value… Neat Device…

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get two for $7.98… Just $2 more gets you another!

This color changing, wobbly alarm clock might rouse you in
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it has an audible alarm with a touch snooze feature too.
Five functions in total! Along with its practicality, each
function corresponds with its own, bold color.

FEATURES:
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- Alarm with touch snooze
- 3 hour timer
- Temperature in C/F
- Every function has its own color
- Measures: 2 1/2″ W x 2 1/2″ D x 3 1/2″ H

Requires three AAA batteries (not included.) Grab one for
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buy two or more. THEY MAKE WONDERFUL GIFTS… VISIT:

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5-in-1 Color Changing LCD Clock…

The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the
company’s Dallas office.

“We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in Detroit,”
her boss told her.

“Alright then,” she answered. “Pull your pants down so I
can get started.”

“I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I
express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or
a prostitute.” -Rebecca West

You won’t find a more effective product…
SAVEX FOOT CARE SALVE

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DEAL PRICE: $3.49
Get Two for $5.98

Feel the soothing sweetness of this salve working its magic
on your tired, dry or itchy feet.

Featuring skin-friendly oils like Mineral, Lanolin and more
(full list on site), this deep-penetrating foot salve will
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eliminate itching. This wonder salve even prevents foot odor!

Unlike lotions which are high in water content which can
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The Savex Foot Care Salve is a MUST for any diabetic.

It lasts long too… it can provide hydration for up to six
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You won’t find a more effective product as Savex Foot Care
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SAVEX FOOT CARE SALVE

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding
ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it
on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?

Having your girlfriend find out you’re married…

Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your
penis…

Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring?

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I managed to get in 72 holes of golf over the long weekend
and now I’m paying for it. Both my shoulder and my back are
killing me. The odd thing is that I felt great yesterday.
It’s the lack of consistent activity that does it.

The problem, as I see it, is work. If I could cut my hours
down to around 20 hours a week I could play golf four or
five days a week and never give my body a chance to stiffen
up. I wonder if Magilla would even miss me.

Optimistically,

TZ

5-In-1 Multi Purpose Slicer
Shred, Slice, Mash, Scrape & more…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99
Get two for $15.98

All you have to do is take your favorite fresh vegetable
(carrots, onions, mushrooms, zucchini) hold it in place with
the safety handle and slide it along any of the 4 slicing tools.
The pieces fall into the bowl, so you can dump out all your
vegetables at once into a salad, stir-fry, soup, or anything else.

You’ll love how it easily shreds, slices, and grates your food
and keeps it in the below bowl… not flying everywhere.
Makes it easy to just dump your veggies in a pot, pan or salad.

CONTAINS:
- Mandoline-Style Slicer – Two (2) Different Sized Graters
- Shredder – Scraper (great for zesting)
- Food Holder Safety Handle – Bowl with Built In Strainer

I didn’t even mention all the cabinet and drawer space you’ll
save! This one item stores easily in a cabinet and allows you
to get rid of so many other items you have.

Grab one for $9.99 or two (makes a great gift) for $15.98. Visit:

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5-In-1 Multi Purpose Slicer…

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes
to the accounting software, severely limiting access to
wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other
valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip
2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable
programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,
Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes
the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper-
Changing 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose
utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help please?!

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade
from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that
Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed
by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to
Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do
this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system, once installed.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you
read the entire section regarding General Partnership
Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0,
secretly installed by the parent company as an integral
part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of
root cause. To activate this great feature enter the
command “C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while
entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the
applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can
create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately
YOU may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also
cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or
worse yet, Beer 6.0.

Continued below…

Silky Smooth by Body Trends
Hair Removal That’s Easy, Safe & Painless…

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Deal Price: $7.99
Get Two (2) For: $11.98

Body Trends Silky Smooth painlessly removes hair and
it’s pain free! It gently exfoliates while removing
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The secret are the superfine flex-crystals that buff away
unwanted hair, leaving your skin so soft and incredibly
smooth. The dual action system exfoliates as it removes
unwanted hair. Works great on sensitive areas, leaving skin
soft, smooth and supple.

Best of all… it’s safe for legs, forearms, upper lip, bikini
line and much more!

Each Package Includes:
- 1 Travel Case
- 1 Large Applicator
- 1 Small Applicator
- 4 Large flex-crystal replacement pads
- 4 Small flex-crystal replacement pads

Remember get one for $7.99 or get two for $11.98, VISIT:

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Silky Smooth Hair Removal by Body Trends

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to
create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that
are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by
following this tech tip!

Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the
blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it
can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend
5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience
10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help
keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of
use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many
valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,
install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application,
and will cause selective shut down of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or
Golfing 2.3 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to
install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you
the best of luck in coming years. “We trust you will learn
to fully enjoy this product!

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I wish I would have taken up golf at a young age. I would be
great by now. I can only imagine if my uncle would have taken
me to the course and let me play alongside him. In no time I
would be beating him, making him go home and tell everyone
that he lost to a twelve-year-old.

Who knows, maybe I would have gotten a scholarship to Wake
Forest or some school out west where I would have been an All
American… Then maybe I would have turned pro and lived a
life travelling around the world playing golf…

But did my uncle teach me that? No. Instead he taught me how
to whack off.

Missed-the-cutly,

TZ

“If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends, you
are safe doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in
it, that is the time to hold your tongue.” –Alice Miller

TOUGH TOOLS LED TORCH FLASHLIGHT

Normal Price: $4.99
DEAL PRICE: $1.99
Get Two for $2.98

Don’t let the size fool you… This amazing little flashlight
uses nine of the brightest led bulbs available and is one of the
most energy efficient types of flashlights available today! With
its compact size and light weight design makes it really handy
and portable. It’s perfect for camping, travel, boating, home
emergency kits, or even walking the dog! Colors may vary.

FEATURES:
- 100,000 hour LEDs – 120 foot effective range
- Anti-shock structure – Takes 3 AAA Batteries (INCLUDED)

Just $1.49 each when you buy two or more…

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14385/c/120/a/498

TOUGH TOOLS LED TORCH FLASHLIGHT

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and
the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable
happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge
asked her what she had stolen.

“Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge replied, “How many peaches were in the can?”

She said, “Six.”

The judge then said, “I will sentence you to six days in
jail.”

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, “Your Honor,
she also stole a can of peas.”

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor’s
office asked whether people who live in Florida think
illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29 percent of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious
problem.”

71 percent of respondents answered: “No es una problema
seriosa.”

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99, get two wallets for just $7.98…

Loaded with features…. Open it up and you won’t believe all
the space in this compact area. It has two (2) currency
sections, two (2) window ID’s & six (6) leather credit card
slots., six (6) clear credit card slots, one (1) hidden pouch
great for a key! There’s a spot for everything…

The Marshal motto of, Sure, Pure & Perfect is never more true
than with this classic black wallet. It’s a wallet that demands
attention!

What may be the biggest surprise is the price we have… through
a special buy, we are able to offer this quality wallet for less
than cost. In fact you can get three (3) wallets for less than
the normal price of one.

To see a picture of it (or the Classic Bifold Style), visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/dp0wi2

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

A pretty young blonde stood at the bank cashier’s window
and smiled. “I’d like to cash this check, please,” she
said, handing it over.

The teller examined the check, then said: “Could you
identify yourself, Miss?”

For a moment the lovely girl’s brow creased over, then with
a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a
mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, “Yes! It’s me,
all right!”

The clerk said, “No Ma’am, you misunderstood me. We require
a photo identification.”

The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with
a group of young children and an adult. “This is my third
grade class photo,” she explained. “That’s me, third from
the left in the bottom row.”

———————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I don’t know how many of you are subscribed to Clean Laffs
Joe’s newsletter, but he and his partner, Sailor Moon, are
finally selling their sailboat. I guess the expense is
cutting into their anal lube budget.

Anyway, since Joe is going to have that much more free time
he decided to start playing golf again, something he hasn’t
done since he bought the boat three years ago.

He came into my office the other day looking for help.

“TZ,” he whined, “I went to the driving range yesterday and
I have the worst slice! I am never going to be able to play
a descent game until I correct it. Do you have any advice?”

“Well, I’m not a golf instructor or anything, but the first
thing I would recommend is that you take the club out of
your ass and hold it in your hands.”

Obviously,

TZ

“On ‘The View’ Barbara Walters made a joke about a vibrator.
Thankfully, ‘The View’ is on in the morning before people
have eaten anything they can throw up.” -Craig Ferguson

FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…

Normal Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two Packages (32 Bags) for $9.98

Tired of throwing out rotten food? Forever Bags prolong the life
of your fruits, vegetables and cut flowers without the use of
chemicals. Stock up on produce without worrying about rapid
spoilage or extend the life of your homegrown fruits & veggies.

HOW FOREVER BAGS WORK:
Fruits, vegetables and flowers release ethylene gas while
ripening after harvesting or picking. Ethylene gas accelerates
ripening, aging and rotting. Forever Bags absorb and remove this
damaging gas, dramatically extending the life of fruits,
vegetables and flowers.

FEATURES:
- You get 16 Forever Bags (8 – 9″ x 15″, 8 – 12″ x 17″)
- Save Money… Waste Less Produce
- Reusable up to 20 Times
- Keep Produce Fresh Approx. 30 Day
- Reduce Vitamin Loss by 50%

It does all that with NO CHEMICALS! Get one package of 16 Forever
Bags for $5.99 or pick up two packages (32 Forever Bags) for $9.98.
Yep… you’re getting two for the normal price of one. VISIT:

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FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…

At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husband’s
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked
Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had
managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’ve
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anni-
versary! ‘

The Priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what
you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ‘I’m agonna go get her.’

“Florida International University is now offering students
valet parking. To give you an idea how bad the economy is,
that’s not for their cars, that’s as a career choice! It’s
a major.” -Jay Leno

PET BLINKERS… The Pet Safety Light
Protect Yourself & Your Pet!

Store Price: $7.99
DEAL PRICE: $3.99 or less

Pet Blinkers give you the added security and peace of mind
knowing you and your pet(s) are visible at night. Whether
you’re going for a jog with your pet or if you just want
extra attention, attach the Pet Blinker to your pet’s collar
and be seen a half-mile away. These eye-catching LEDs
accessorize any pet. Requires three AG3 lithium cell
batteries (included).

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/6753v0

PET BLINKERS… The Pet Safety Light

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she
was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal
Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
“Did you know that humans are the only species in which
the female achieves orgasm?”

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah?
Prove it.”

He frowns for a moment, then says, “O.K.” He then gets up
and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her
face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and
sweaty and proclaims, “Well, I’m sure the cow and sheep
didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can I
tell?”

———————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I had a little bit of good luck this weekend and a little bit
of bad luck. On Saturday I managed to get out to the golf
course for the first time this year and I actually broke 90.
First time out. I was very proud of myself.

Then on Sunday morning the wife announced she was going to
spend the day with her cousin and ordered me to watch the
kids. Usually, if I can keep them in the house, I can keep
an eye on them without actually having to get up from in
front of the television, but it was such a gorgeous day out
on Sunday I didn’t have the heart to force them to stay
inside.

So while they were outside playing catch and goofing around
with the volleyball net they slowly accumulated a collection
of the neighborhood urchins until there were about a dozen,
kids in my backyard tearing up my lawn.

Around three o’clock in the afternoon I suddenly saw the
back door crowded with grubby, little, snot-nosed faces.

“Why aren’t you playing?” I asked suspiciously. “Is some-
body hurt? Don’t bother suing me, I don’t have homeowner’s
insurance!”

“We’re hungry!” they screamed. “We want pizza!”

“I don’t want to feed you pizza at three in the afternoon.
Your parents will be pissed at me for feeding you junk food
right before dinner.”

“It’s okay,” my generous daughter volunteered, “they asked
their parents and they all said we could eat over here!”

“Of course,” I muttered under my breath as I picked up the
phone and dialed the local pizza place. “why should they
feed their own kids when they have a sucker like me on the
block.”

Cateringly,

TZ

“It’s been one year since New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer
resigned. To commemorate that event, for today only, the
hookers in Time Square are offering something they call
‘the full Spitzer’.” -David Letterman

Flush FAT Right Out of YOUR System & Lose Weight – GUARANTEED

How? With Amazing Apple Cider Vinegar. See what people are
saying about this remarkable weight – melting phenomenon.

“After a whole life of yo-yo dieting, I lost 44 pounds & kept
it off ever since.”

“I lost 2 pounds daily, just like clockwork.”

Give yourself the gift of SLIM for Just $2.99
Visit:http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/ti4p52

Apple Cider Vinegar

One of the girls just walked into my office and began looking
at the pictures of my children.

“These are all of them when they were young,” she said. “Why
don’t you get some recent pictures of them?”

“Because,” I said, “I use these pictures to remind me of when
they were little and sweet. That way, when I go home I don’t
kill the little bastards.”

“It’s pretty lonely and sad to be single. Every night was the
same for me, I’d go home and curl up in bed with my favorite
book. Well, actually it was a magazine.”
–Tom Arnold

FLYING ALARM CLOCK
Fun AND Effective…

Normal Price: $29.99
DEAL PRICE: $12.99
Get Two for $19.99

Trouble getting up in the mornings? This will do the trick! When
the alarm sounds, the propeller is launched up into the air &
flies around the room.

To turn off the alarm you’ll have to get up, find it & return it
to the base. This digital alarm clock has a large easy to read
backlit display. It also has an easy to set snooze function.

Visit to see a video of it in action…

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/ha3rz7

FLYING ALARM CLOCK

An conservative American woman wants to get married, but she
is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a
woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides
to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with
a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian out-
back and they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to pre-
pare herself. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds
her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked
and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s anything like a
kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”

———————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.