The other day my eight year boy son pointed out the car
window and excitedly said, “Look! A homo!”

“What!” I shrieked.

He slowed down a bit and pointed to a stretch Hummer
limousine. “A Hummer that’s a limousine, Daddy. We call
that a ‘Hummo’.”

I burst into the laughter of relief and he was pleased with
himself. “I wish you wouldn’t call it that…”

Then just last night we’re all waiting outside for a table
at the Olive Garden, when my son points through a crowd of
people and shouts, “Look, another Hummo!”

About 25 people began to give me and my wife the evil eye.

We’ll-take-that-to-go-ly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99, get two wallets for just $7.98…

Loaded with features…. Open it up and you won’t believe all
the space in this compact area. It has two (2) currency
sections, two (2) window ID’s & six (6) leather credit card
slots., six (6) clear credit card slots, one (1) hidden pouch
great for a key! There’s a spot for everything…

The Marshal motto of, Sure, Pure & Perfect is never more true
than with this classic black wallet. It’s a wallet that demands
attention!

What may be the biggest surprise is the price we have… through
a special buy, we are able to offer this quality wallet for less
than cost. In fact you can get three (3) wallets for less than
the normal price of one.

To see a picture of it (or the Classic Bifold Style),
visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3744/c/120/a/498

***

“A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried
to have sex with a tree. I don’t know about you, but I think
Al Gore has finally gone too far.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

Two friends were out walking home from the bar one night.
“Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m
gonna rip the wife’s nylons off!”

“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.

“The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me,” the first
guy replied.

***

“Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently
apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who
their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the
conversation as ‘awkward.’” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————–
AbExerciser Ball
Like The Bender Ball, But At A Savings…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99

A primary benefit of exercising with a Bodytrends exercise ball
as opposed to exercising directly on a hard flat surface is that
the body responds to the instability of the ball to remain
balanced, engaging many more muscles to do so. Those muscles
become stronger over time to keep balance. Most frequently, the
core body muscles – the abdominal muscles and back muscles – are
the focus of exercise ball fitness programs.

FEATURES:
- Includes Air Pump
- Anti Burst 9″ Exercise Ball
- Burst resistant heavy gauge PVC vinyl for durability
- Ball can be used at home, in the gym, or clinic
- Increase stability and flexibility

Grab one for 5$7.99…

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1557/c/120/a/498

———————————————————————————–

The detective was leafing through the suspect’s cime history
folder. “Hmmm, quite a record.” he said. “Shoplifting, hit-
and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault,
rape, man-slaughter…”

“Yeah, I know.” said the prisoner. “It took me quite a while
to figure out what I was good at.”

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

When my kids were little I couldn’t wait for them to get
older. They were in such constant need of attention I
fantasized about the day when they would be independent
enough to leave me the hell alone for five minutes.

The optimism of inexperience.

When they were little they were easy to take care of. If
I wanted to keep track of any of them I just locked them
in the car seat or the high chair. I always knew where
they were. I could carry them wherever I wanted to go.

Now they’re all over the place. I don’t know why I thought
they would be more independent, because they are constantly
at my elbow, asking for money, asking for rides, asking for
new clothes, asking for toys, asking for help with their
homework!

I was complaining about this to the wife who cautioned me
that when they do finally start to become really independent,
driving, spending all day at school and sports and eventually
going college, that I am going to suffer from empty nest
syndrome.

“No problem,” I answered, “I’ll just get a dog and a mistress.”

Problem-solvingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

***

MINI DISINFECTING UV SCANNER…

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $14.99
SAVE EVEN MORE: Get Two for $25.98

This lightweight scanner instantly disinfects faucets, door
knobs, keyboards, phones & more! The UV light kills 99.9% of
germs in just 10 seconds. It is safe & effective. It includes
a carrying pouch for traveling or for a purse.

If you travel, you simply MUST have this. Take a few minutes
and run it over your hotel bed and sheets… you wouldn’t
believe the germs in even the finest hotels. And don’t forget
to run it over the almost never wiped down phones and remote
controls.

Remember get one for $14.98 or two (2) for $25.98. To see this
or get more info, visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3747/c/120/a/498

***

“It’s been reported that a woman is now trying to sell a
sex tape she made with Tiger Woods. The sex tape will be
available soon at adult bookstores in the Tiger Woods’
section.” -Conan O’Brien

***

A woman was in court charged with the attempted murder of
her husband.

“But why did you stab him over a hundred times?” asked the
judge.

“Oh, your Honor,” replied the defendant, “It wasn’t my fault.
I didn’t know how to switch off the electric carving knife!”

***

“Health officials in Mexico have issued a warning after
thousands of dead fish have washed up on the coast. They
don’t know what killed the fish, though a single bullet
wound to the back of the head may indicate drug cartel
involvement.” -Jimmy Kimmel

———————————————————————————–
Arm Rest Organizer w/ Table-Top
Organize & Store All Your Favorite TV Accessories, & More…

List Price: $24.99
DEAL PRICE: $14.99
Get Two for: $23.98

Organize your magazines, remote controls, eye glasses,
telephone and more with this handy Arm Rest Organizer.

This is a true family room organizer that stores all that
stuff that sits on your end tables in one convenient location.
Now you’ll always know right where your cross-word puzzle is.
The Arm Rest Organizer also features a tray for a beverage or
a snack.

FEATURES:
- Fits over sofa arm for easy installation
- 6 large pockets
- Large Table-Top (18″ x 7″) surface perfect for snacks,
writing notes & more
- Adjustable design fits most arm rest on couches or chairs
- Color: Black

The Arm Rest Organizer features a durable black fabric. One
side of the organizer features two large pockets, while the
other side has one large pocket for magazines and three smaller
pockets for pens, glasses and remotes. The flat surface in the
center features a ridge around the edge to keep items from
sliding off, and makes a great snack or writing table.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1323/c/120/a/498

———————————————————————————–

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from
40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film

2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if incorrectly used

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of
precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no
apparent reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when
saturated with alcohol

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum here… http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14420/c/120/a/498

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Friday night my children succeeded in driving their mother
crazy. So complete was their success that I found myself
uttering these once unthinkable words: “Honey, you need to
get out. Go ahead, call a friend and escape for a while.
I’ll take care of these—things.”

With that, she’s out the door in 2.5 minutes. She called me
from her cell shortly thereafter, “Hi, Honey. What time
would you like me home?”

“Anytime,” I said. “Just have fun.”

“OK,” she said excitedly. “See you Sunday.”

Abandonedly,

TZ

“A guy in Florida was charged with 10 counts of child porno-
graphy. He’s blaming his cat. He says that the cat would
jump on the keyboard and somehow that would download child
pornography. It turns out it was a huge misunderstanding —
the cat was downloading ‘kitty’ porn.” -Jimmy Kimmel

ALL-IN-ONE SLIMMING BODYSUIT X-LARGE
Like Spanx But Less Than 1/2 The Price…

List Price: $39.99
DEAL PRICE: $17.99
Get two (mix and match any sizes) for $29.98

Now you can look slimmer and trimmer with this All-In-One
Slimming Bodysuit. Target all of your problem areas with
this one easy-to-wear lightweight garment.

The all in one slimming bodysuit will lift and support the
bottom, define your inner and outer thighs, sculpt the waist
and flatten your tummy. It’s virtually invisible under
clothes. This body shaper will instantly make you appear a
dress size down and give you a smoother natural figure.

- Keeps hips under control to produce sleek contours
- Wider leg band for comfort fit to prevent bulges
- Comfortable, light weight, 4-way stretch fabric
- Adjustable straps to improve bust uplift
- Suit Size Dress Size Bust Waist Hips

IMPORTANT NOTE: Sizes tend to run small, we suggest going a
size larger than your actual size. To get more info & see a
sizing chart, visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14455/c/120/a/498

ALL-IN-ONE SLIMMING BODYSUIT – Like Spanx But 1/2 Price

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she
looked up at me and said, “Make love to me like in the
movies”. So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in
her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all
over her face and hair.

She cried. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

“Despite losing over 200,000 jobs in July, the unemployment
rate dropped from 9.5 percent to 9.4 percent. I think that
means a lot of people got hired to work at the unemployment
office.” -Jimmy Fallon

You won’t find a more effective product…
SAVEX FOOT CARE SALVE

List Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $3.49
Get Two for $5.98

Feel the soothing sweetness of this salve working its magic
on your tired, dry or itchy feet.

Featuring skin-friendly oils like Mineral, Lanolin and more
(full list on site), this deep-penetrating foot salve will
re-hydrate severely dry skin, aid in the healing of cracks and
eliminate itching. This wonder salve even prevents foot odor!

Unlike lotions which are high in water content which can
actually cause dryness, this salve has no water to promote
faster healing… for healthier feet. Also contains Menthol
which acts as an antiseptic, anti-irritant & cooling skin soother.

The Savex Foot Care Salve is a MUST for any diabetic.

It lasts long too… it can provide hydration for up to six
hours… no more constant applying of lotions.

You won’t find a more effective product as Savex Foot Care
Salve. Grab a jar for $3.49 or get two for $5.98. VISIT:

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SAVEX FOOT CARE SALVE

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
around him.

He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly
know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to
his father, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky
blue?”

Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do
you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll
never learn anything!”

————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Don’t have kids if you are lazy. I swear, the amount of time
and energy it takes to raise these things is unfathomable. I
had psychology classes, sociology classes, hell, I even bought
a pet rock and chia pet to help train me for parenthood but
it seems I was still unprepared.

The pet rock was easy to take care of until I lost him in the
garden. And the chia pet? That thing grew into a fine specimen
even though I pissed on him. I ended up making tea out of him
for my in-laws. They said it was too acidic.

Tiredly,

TZ

“Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they’ve
put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the
last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected
he’s been on the cover of Black President Magazine.”
-Conan O’Brien

MAGIC PEN & CALCULATOR TUBE…
You’ll spend hours trying to figure out how it works!

Normal Price: $5.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99

This Calculator Pen Set is designed with a Magic case that can
be opened and closed by one way rolling. It is a wonderful
Gadget Gift and is also a practical Stationery Set. It’s compact
size is quite suitable for all mobile users as you can put it
in the pocket or small handbag.

* 8 digits Calculator
* AG8 button Cell Battery 1pc is included
* A metal pen for handy writing

Save more when you buy two or more. To see this amazing and
fun item, visit the site at:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/gh6ne2

MAGIC PEN & CALCULATOR TUBE

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend
home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been
shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like
cooking a fancy meal!”

“Oh, I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

“Well President Obama held his first ‘beer summit’ at the
White House. Everything went well, but we all know the best
stuff goes down at the ‘after-summit.’” -Jimmy Fallon

PERFECT SLIDERS HAMBURGER MAKER
Make Mouthwatering Sliders In Minutes…

Normal Price: $19.99
OUR PRICE: $14.99
Get two for $25.98

Perfect Sliders cooks, not five, but six sliders in just
minutes. The double-sided nonstick pan cooks both sides at
the same time, so you never have to flip. Mouth-watering
mini-bacon cheeseburgers, healthy turkey and veggie burgers
are only minutes away when you simply press and cook with
the Perfect Sliders pan.

FEATURES:
* Easy-to-use – just press and cook
* Nonstick surface is easy to clean
* Six, not five burgers can be made at once
* Make a variety of mini mouth-watering recipes

VISIT: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14386/c/120/a/498

Perfect Sliders Hamburger Maker

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he’s on
fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately
begins groping her. “Charles! I expect you to be as mannerly
in bed as you are at the dinner table.”

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this
better?”

“Much better!” she replies with a smile.

“Okay, then,” he says, “now will you please pass the pussy.”

————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

We finally made plans for the fourth of July. This is actually
early for us. My family is the worst for making plans at the
last minute.

Anyway, we decided to go to my brother Nick’s house for the
fourth. He doesn’t know it yet, but he will. Probably
tomorrow when I’ll get around to telling him he’s hosting.
It’s his own fault. He’s the one who decided to buy a house
with a pool.

The kids love it. They spend almost the entire day in there
trying to drown each other, except for when they climb out
to devour several hot dogs and hamburgers each like a wet,
sun burned swarm of locusts.

It’s great for me. They’re preoccupied for four or five
hours and at the end of the day they’re so exhausted they
collapse in bed and the wife and I get the night to our-
selves.

I just hope it turns out like that. You never know with kids.

Skeptically,

TZ

“One former conquest raved that sleeping with Jeff Goldblum
was like, ‘Being caught in a flesh-storm with a 90 percent
chance of satisfaction.’” -Jeff Goldblum

Handy Can-Opener
Open Cans Safely In Seconds…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $12.99
Get two for $19.98

Your going to love the Handy Can-Opener. It really doesn’t
get easier than this… Just push ONE button. It’s safe, easy
and hygienic, and takes only seconds to operate.

The cutting blade is safely recessed to avoid accidental cuts and
there are no other sharp edges on the unit. It easily glides and
smoothes the edges on the can as an extra safety feature. When the
can is done automatically opening, the powerful magnet inside the
unit lifts the lid.

FEATURES:
- Fully-Automatic Process
- Only One Button, and Manual Release Dial
- Cutting Blade Safely Recessed in Unit
- Easily Glides and Smoothes Can Edges
- Magnet Lifts and Holds Lid
- Cordless
- Takes 2 “AA” (Not Included)

The Handy Can-Opener is the easiest one you’ll ever use. Pick one
up for $12.99 or save an additional $6.00 and get two for $19.98

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14515/c/120/a/498

Handy Can-Opener – Open Cans Safely In Seconds…

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch
break. Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”

Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security
kind.”

“Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.

“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to
live on.”

“You keep hearing that society’s greatest tasks are educating
people and getting them jobs. That’s great. Two things that
people hate to do; go to school and go to work.”
-George Carlin

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99, get two wallets for just $7.98…

Loaded with features…. Open it up and you won’t believe all
the space in this compact area. It has two (2) currency
sections, two (2) window ID’s & six (6) leather credit card
slots., six (6) clear credit card slots, one (1) hidden pouch
great for a key! There’s a spot for everything…

The Marshal motto of, Sure, Pure & Perfect is never more true
than with this classic black wallet. It’s a wallet that demands
attention!

What may be the biggest surprise is the price we have… through
a special buy, we are able to offer this quality wallet for less
than cost. In fact you can get three (3) wallets for less than
the normal price of one.

To see a picture of it (or the Classic Bifold Style), visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/dp0wi2

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling
faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good
mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and
write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the
man his name.” Fred” he replies. “Fred what?” the officer
asks. “Just Fred” the man responds. When the officer presses
him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have
a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase
on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me Fred, how did
you lose your last name?”

The man replies… “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was
born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used
to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied
hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I
went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a
while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with
my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD
DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my
DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found
out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so
they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I’m just Fred.”

The officer let him go without even a warning.

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Six or seven years ago I got a really bad sinus infection.
I had it for weeks. I almost completely lost my hearing.
When it finally went away my hearing returned, but it also
left me with a permanent ringing in my ears. Fortunately
it has gotten softer over the years…either that or I have
just gotten used to it.

Anyway, someone was talking to me today from across the room
and I had to ask her to repeat herself twice. When she asked
me if I was deaf I told her the sinus infection story.

She asked me, “Why haven’t you ever gone to an eye, nose and
throat specialist to see if something can be done about it?”

I said, “The more time I spend with my kids the less I’m
worried about getting 100 percent of my hearing back.”

Honestly,

TZ

“Cher’s birthday today. She’s 63. She’ll be on display at the
New York City Museum of Natural History.” -David Letterman

Handy Trends Upside Down Tomato Planter
World’s Easiest Way To Grow Vegetables…

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $12.99
Get two for $19.98

I have wanted this item for almost two months. And judging
by the email I’ve gotten from many of you… you have been
waiting too.

Well wait no more… The Upside Down Tomato Planter is here.
One thing I did not know is that you can use this for other
vegetables besides Tomatoes.

The Handy Trends Upside Down Tomato Planter is an ingenious
tomato/vegetable planter turns gardening upside down!. Grow
delicious, juicy tomatoes all season long simply by hanging it
on a deck, balcony or patio.

Simply plant seeds or a plant in the wire basket, hang, water,
and watch it grow… yep it is that easy.

This efficient growing system yields up to 30 lbs of tomatoes
per plant. As we said… The Tomato Planter can grow more than
just tomatoes… try cucumbers, eggplants, herbs and more. You’ll
love how easy it is to have a garden on your patio.

To get more info or order, visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14505/c/120/a/498

Handy Trends Upside Down Tomato Planter

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way
to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the
corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she
took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped
to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and
didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker
was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a
psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him
crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on
his wife.

“What should I do?” asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.”

What is you sign?

AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive
thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless
and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over.
Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are
being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your
friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.
Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a
coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their
noses a lot.

ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership
tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient and don’t take well to advice.
You are a Melvin.

TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are de-
termined and can work like hell. Most people think that
you are a pig headed not the best. You’re probably a
communist.

GEMINI You are quick and intelligent – a thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bar
steward, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini’s are
notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very
caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions
and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will
never be worth a lot.

Continued…

Put Your Sewing Machine Away…
HANDY MEND IT

List Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two for $9.98

Permanently repair fabric tears quickly and effectively without
the need to sew! Handy Mend It is not a glue but rather a
flexible bonding agent that quickly grabs, adheres and interlocks
the fibers of fabrics. Best of all, It’s tear resistant!

Dries crystal clear and is safe on most fabrics including lace,
denim and leather. Machine washable and bonds stay strong even
after as many as 50 washes.

HUNDREDS OF USES:
- Hems Repair – Home Decor – Split Seam Repair
- Furniture Repair – Draperies – Plush and Toy Repair
- Create wearable art – Crafts and Scrapbooking

Grab one tube of Handy Mend It for $5.99 or two for $9.99.

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HANDY MEND IT – Mend It… Don’t End It…

LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they
are just pushy. Most Leo’s are bullies. They are assholes
who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is
disgusting. Leo People are thieving bullies who kiss mirrors
a lot.

VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. Nit-
picking makes your friends sick. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo’s
make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters.
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most
Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.

SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a bitch.
Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent.
Most Sagitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at
you a lot because you are always messing things up.

CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks.
You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Sometimes you have a bad day. On those occasions I like to
give my kids fair warning that little to no discord is going to
be tolerated. A typical warning to them would be something
like: “I’m on the warpath today, so if you know what’s good for
you you’ll shut up.”

Yesterday I was upstairs listening to my kids arguing in the
basement. My 8-year-old son said, “Watch it! I’m on the warpath
today.”

My 13 year-old daughter quickly replied, “Yeah? well screw you,
Geronimo.”

Apache-ly,

TZ

“I think what went wrong with Christianity is exaxtly like
what happens when you try to get your dog to look at some-
thing on TV. Jesus pointed at God, and everybody just stared
at his finger.” -Frank Miles

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Finally you can wear racerback tops, sports tops, tank tops and
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In addition, the Strap Genie works to boost comfort in any bra.

Set Includes (4 Strap Attachments):
- Two (2) Clear – One (1) Cream – One (1) Black

No more constantly tugging and pulling up your bra straps. Enjoy
the freedom these can bring… You’ll love them and the special
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STRAP GENIE BRA CLIPS – Less Than 1/2 Off The TV Price

Q. “Are you married?”

A. “No, I’m divorced.”

Q. “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”

A. “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

“The books of religion are beautiful works of fiction.
These guys were great writers who wrote addemdums to suit
their fancies and made arbitrary rules. The important thing
being that we keep the women in the backseat, that’s the
main gist of all religions.” -Janeane Garofalo

FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…

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DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two Packages (32 Bags) for $9.98

Tired of throwing out rotten food? Forever Bags prolong the life
of your fruits, vegetables and cut flowers without the use of
chemicals. Stock up on produce without worrying about rapid
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HOW FOREVER BAGS WORK:
Fruits, vegetables and flowers release ethylene gas while
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FEATURES:
- You get 16 Forever Bags (8 – 9″ x 15″, 8 – 12″ x 17″)
- Save Money… Waste Less Produce
- Reusable up to 20 Times
- Keep Produce Fresh Approx. 30 Day
- Reduce Vitamin Loss by 50%

It does all that with NO CHEMICALS! Get one package of 16 Forever
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Yep… you’re getting two for the normal price of one. VISIT:

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FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…

Sexual Definitions:

The Tom Dempsey and The Glass Slipper: All of you football
fans know that Tom Dempsey holds the record for longest
Field Goal. What was special about him was that he only had
half of a foot. Hence forth…

The Tom Dempsey is when you jam half of your foot into ass
or vagina.

The Glass Slipper is when you get your whole foot in.

Off-Shore Drilling: Anal sex in a hot tub.

Smooth Jazz: Diarrhea on your partner.

Throwing Out The First Pitch: when a man jerks off before
the real game begins.

Midnight Sledgehammer: Take your partner from behind and
nail their head through some dry wall.

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

My 8th Grade daughter came home with a C in her advanced
placement math class.

“What the hell is this?” I asked, pissed because it came as
such a surprise.

“It’s hard!” she immediately whined as tears began to flow.

Her mother began talking to her, but I stood fuming. Is she
lazy? Is she in too many extracurricular activities? Is it
the genes from her mother’s side of the family?

“Look,” I said not even noticing that I was interrupting
them, “I just want you to realize your potential. Math is
math; a formula is a formula. I just want you to be
brilliant–like that Chinaman—whatshisname, um David X.
Li–the math genius whose formula broght down Wall Street
and nearly all the economies of the world.”

Simply,

TZ

“There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in
the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault
with the rest of us.” –James Truslow Adams

MAGIC PEN & CALCULATOR TUBE…
You’ll spend hours trying to figure out how it works!

Normal Price: $5.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99

This Calculator Pen Set is designed with a Magic case that can
be opened and closed by one way rolling. It is a wonderful
Gadget Gift and is also a practical Stationery Set. It’s compact
size is quite suitable for all mobile users as you can put it
in the pocket or small handbag.

* 8 digits Calculator
* AG8 button Cell Battery 1pc is included
* A metal pen for handy writing

Save more when you buy two or more. To see this amazing and
fun item, visit the site at:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/gh6ne2

MAGIC PEN & CALCULATOR TUBE

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came
in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low
without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to
the wall.

“Don’t bother—that was my bed,” she said. “He wouldn’t have
gone anywhere near it.”

Clean Laffs Joe found some spam in his mailbox this morning
that said in big letters, “Satisfy the girl with a bigger
dick!”

“Hell,” Joe said, “I wouldn’t be caught dead with a girl
with a dick that’s bigger than mine.”

CelebSLIM (30 Day Supply)
Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

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Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend
Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the
bar. After a half hour of gathering his courage, he
approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?”

She responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No, I
won’t go home with you tonight!”

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back
to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and
apologized.

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “but I’m a
graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human
reaction to embarrassing situations.”

At the top of his lungs Justin replied, “What do you mean,
two hundred dollars?!”

———————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I had a little bit of good luck this weekend and a little bit
of bad luck. On Saturday I managed to get out to the golf
course for the first time this year and I actually broke 90.
First time out. I was very proud of myself.

Then on Sunday morning the wife announced she was going to
spend the day with her cousin and ordered me to watch the
kids. Usually, if I can keep them in the house, I can keep
an eye on them without actually having to get up from in
front of the television, but it was such a gorgeous day out
on Sunday I didn’t have the heart to force them to stay
inside.

So while they were outside playing catch and goofing around
with the volleyball net they slowly accumulated a collection
of the neighborhood urchins until there were about a dozen,
kids in my backyard tearing up my lawn.

Around three o’clock in the afternoon I suddenly saw the
back door crowded with grubby, little, snot-nosed faces.

“Why aren’t you playing?” I asked suspiciously. “Is some-
body hurt? Don’t bother suing me, I don’t have homeowner’s
insurance!”

“We’re hungry!” they screamed. “We want pizza!”

“I don’t want to feed you pizza at three in the afternoon.
Your parents will be pissed at me for feeding you junk food
right before dinner.”

“It’s okay,” my generous daughter volunteered, “they asked
their parents and they all said we could eat over here!”

“Of course,” I muttered under my breath as I picked up the
phone and dialed the local pizza place. “why should they
feed their own kids when they have a sucker like me on the
block.”

Cateringly,

TZ

“It’s been one year since New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer
resigned. To commemorate that event, for today only, the
hookers in Time Square are offering something they call
‘the full Spitzer’.” -David Letterman

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Give yourself the gift of SLIM for Just $2.99
Visit:http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/ti4p52

Apple Cider Vinegar

One of the girls just walked into my office and began looking
at the pictures of my children.

“These are all of them when they were young,” she said. “Why
don’t you get some recent pictures of them?”

“Because,” I said, “I use these pictures to remind me of when
they were little and sweet. That way, when I go home I don’t
kill the little bastards.”

“It’s pretty lonely and sad to be single. Every night was the
same for me, I’d go home and curl up in bed with my favorite
book. Well, actually it was a magazine.”
–Tom Arnold

FLYING ALARM CLOCK
Fun AND Effective…

Normal Price: $29.99
DEAL PRICE: $12.99
Get Two for $19.99

Trouble getting up in the mornings? This will do the trick! When
the alarm sounds, the propeller is launched up into the air &
flies around the room.

To turn off the alarm you’ll have to get up, find it & return it
to the base. This digital alarm clock has a large easy to read
backlit display. It also has an easy to set snooze function.

Visit to see a video of it in action…

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FLYING ALARM CLOCK

An conservative American woman wants to get married, but she
is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a
woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides
to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with
a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian out-
back and they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to pre-
pare herself. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds
her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked
and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s anything like a
kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”

———————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

We literally had a deluge in this area over the weekend.
It’s not often you get to use the word ‘deluge’ but this
was definitely one of those occasions.

At the bottom of my driveway the street had turned into
a little lake of standing water. The boy was absolutely
ecstatic. He wanted to go down and play in it.

“It’s forty degrees outside,” I told him. “You’d catch
pneumonia in five minutes. Plus, that’s not clean water.
It contains all sorts of runoff contaminants and probably
Pfiesteria and the flesh-eating virus. You can’t play in
it.”

“You’re mean!” He accused me.

“Maybe,” I replied under my breath, “but at least I’m not
stupid enough to play in sewage.”

Smarter-than-an-eight-year-old,

TZ

“No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the
American public.” –H.L. Mencken

SUPER SIZE SHAMMIE
Made In Germany, Don’t Be Fooled By Others…

Retail Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

Now is the time to get this FULL SIZED SHAMMIE for just $2.99.
Made in Germany don’t be fooled by others on the market that
just don’t do the job AND are more than triple the price!

Like on TV, this Super Size Shammie Absorbs 50% than natural
chamois. It’s extra large size of 27 x 17 can be cut in half
for smaller jobs. Durable enough for just about any task, but
soft and gentle enough for use on any surface.

It’s the PERFECT cleaning cloth and has hundreds of household
uses: floors, countertops, appliances, furniture windows, pets
and more. Perfect for washing car or boat, too!. Like on TV,
this soft, absorbent and non-abrasive cloth is 100% polyester
and will not scratch or damage any surface. Best of all… it’s
reusable! Just machine washable… but do not tumble dry.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/498/l/9u1617

SUPER SIZE SHAMMIE – Made In Germany…

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The
White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal
service to several US presidents.

When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and
said, “All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, ‘Has
anyone seen the spade and hoe?’ Now I am fired!”

“Thinking is the most unhealthy thing in the world, and
people die of it just as they die of any other disease.
Fortunately, in England at any rate, thought is not
catching.” –Oscar Wilde

WIRELESS HEADPHONES – Great Sounding At Great Value
w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio

TV & Store Price: $24.99
OUR PRICE: $7.99
Get two for $11.98

These Wireless Headphones With Built-In FM Radio allow you to
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- Wireless Headphones – Internet Chat/Gaming – Audio Monitoring
– FM Auto-Scan Radio -Wired Audio Connection

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WIRELESS HEADPHONES w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio

When my coworker Donsa was promoted, we decided to celebrate.
Her boss called the baker and ordered a cake.

“Two questions,” said the baker. “Is Donsa a man or a woman?
And what do you want the cake to say?”

“The cake should read ‘Congratulations’” the boss said. “Oh,
and Donsa”s a woman.” The next day, the office celebrated
with a cake that read “Congratulations—Donsa’s a woman.”

———————————————————————————————-

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————-

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.