Greetings Laff Lovers,

You wouldn’t believe it. Our very own ape man boss, Magilla,
the man who thinks fine dining is pulling termites out of a
mound with a stick, was invited to audition for a television
commercial. He is downtown right now, standing in front of a
camera and probably saying something stupid.

How these things fall into the lap of a man so stupid that he
still thinks his kids are his own is beyond me, but chances
are he’ll get it and they’ll write him a fat check for five
seconds of grunting on TV.

All the while every brilliant performance I have ever given
in the bedroom has never earned me a single nickel.

Where is the justice in that?

TZ

“Dick Cheney was vice president for eight years. Well, it
turns out that he had a secret hit squad set up with the CIA
to assassinate al-Qaida members. Here’s who was on the team:
Lee Marvin, Jim Brown, Telly Savalas, and Trini Lopez as
Pedro.” -David Letterman

“I HOPE I DON’T JINX MYSELF…”

“It’s been almost a year since I’ve been using one of these
UV-C Disinfecting Scanners and I have not been sick with the
cold or flu in all this time.” – Anisa, Deal of the Day editor

HYGENICLEAN UV-C DISINFECTING UV SCANNER
Kills 99% Of Known Bacteria…

List Price: $79.99
DEAL PRICE: $19.99

This UV Wand disinfects faucets, door knobs, keyboards, phones &
so much more! The UV light kills 99% of germs in just 20 seconds.
It is safe & effective.

HOW THE WAND WORKS:
The UV-C Light Want uses a process called Ultraviolet Germicidal
Eradication (UV-C). This 100% chemical-free process can be used
to sanitize and protect your home against bacteria, germs and
viruses… making it ideal for allergy sufferers.

This wand guarantees a 99% kill rate of harmful bacteria and
the destruction of their DNA stops dust mites from reproducing.

Easy to use, this hand-held device is available at a fraction
of its normal cost. VISIT:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14504/c/120/a/498

HYGENICLEAN UV-C DISINFECTING UV SCANNER

“I’m waiting for a bumper sticker that says, ‘We have a son
in public school who hasn’t been shot yet, and he sells drugs
to your fuckin’ honor student.’” -George Carlin

Like Spanx & Kymaro but less than 1/2 price…

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14455/c/117/a/498

HIGH SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2009

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into
the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun
rack.

1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun,
goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2009 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled
off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.
Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands
and end up buddies.

2009 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both
Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and
both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good
paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still
and does not disrupt class again.

2009 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a
zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money
from the state because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey later
successfully sues the school board, principal, and teacher.
The suit is settled out of court for an undisclosed sum that
is in excess of 6 figures.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives
him a whipping with his belt..

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes
to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is
removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist
is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused her-
self and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair
with the psychologist.

Put Your Sewing Machine Away…
HANDY MEND IT

List Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two for $9.98

Permanently repair fabric tears quickly and effectively without
the need to sew! Handy Mend It is not a glue but rather a
flexible bonding agent that quickly grabs, adheres and interlocks
the fibers of fabrics. Best of all, It’s tear resistant!

Dries crystal clear and is safe on most fabrics including lace,
denim and leather. Machine washable and bonds stay strong even
after as many as 50 washes.

HUNDREDS OF USES:
- Hems Repair – Home Decor – Split Seam Repair
- Furniture Repair – Draperies – Plush and Toy Repair
- Create wearable art – Crafts and Scrapbooking

Grab one tube of Handy Mend It for $5.99 or two for $9.99.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14462/c/120/a/498

HANDY MEND IT – Mend It… Don’t End It…

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the
smoking dock.

2009 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from
school for drug violations His car is then searched for drugs
and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes
to college.

2009 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a re-
uirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action
lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English
teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro
is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of
July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows
up a red ant bed.

1957 – Ants die.

2009 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called.
Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investi-
gates his parents — and all siblings are removed from
their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad
is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to
fly again.

Scenario 8:

Wally falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Nancy. Nancy hugs him to
comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Wally feels better and goes on playing.

2009 – Nancy is accused of being a sexual predator and loses
her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Wally undergoes
5 years of therapy.

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*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

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END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.