Un-fucking-believable. There I was, last night in bed, wrapped
in a blanket and doped up on over-the-counter drugs to fight
my swine flu, and what does the wife do but climb in bed with
me and slip her hand inside my boxers!

How many nights…how many…have I been healthy as an ox and
horny as a bull only to have her turn over and tell me she
wasn’t feeling good or wasn’t in the mood or hadn’t shaved her
legs or some other God-forsaken reason?

But last night, when I was sweating, sniffling, half asleep and
drugged, SHE wanted to ride the merry-go-round.

Maybe it was the Florence Nightingale effect, but it pissed
me off. No concern for my welfare, she just wanted her lily
watered. Now she would know what it feels like to get shut
down. Imagine her…trying to drain me of my vital bodily
fluids when I am sick and vulnerable. Well, my health is more
important!

We totally did it.

TZ

“How about Eliot Spitzer. Do you remember him? He was the
governor of New York for a while, then it came out he
enjoyed whores. But it turns out he was doing this all over
the country. When I heard this, I was outraged. I mean,
what, New York hookers aren’t good enough for you?”
-David Letterman

Artist Brush Set – 18 Piece Set
18 Brushes For Less Than You Would Pay For One…

List Price: $17.99
DEAL PRICE: $7.99
Get Two for $13.98

If you’ve ever bought, even a mildly good quality brush then
you know just how expensive they can be.

When we came across this super buy… I flipped. For less than
1/2 of what you would pay for just one brush you get a whole
set of 18! It’s a whole assortment of flat and round bristled
brushes for any painting occasion.

If you think that’s all… you’re wrong… it even comes with
a canvas case for storage.

FEATURES:
- 18 Bristle Brushes, Flats and Rounds
- Brush Sizes 1-8 and 10
- Natural Wood Handles
- Bonus Natural Canvas Brush Case
- Perfect for Painting, Arts, and Crafts

I have to emphasize what a great price this is for 18 brushes.
For the price of one brush you can get 18, plus the sturdy
canvas carrying case.

Grab one for $7.99 or get two (The set is perfect for gifts)
for $13.98. VISIT: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14514/c/120/a/498

18 Brushes For Less Than You Would Pay For One…

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you
your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. “Listen to
this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
“It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great
lover.”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

“King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia met with President Obama and
gave him a large shiny medallion on a thick gold chain.
Obama said, ‘Thank you, but I think you have me confused
with Flava Flav.’” -Jimmy Fallon

Auto Shut Off Calculator 2-pk by Unisonic
You Get TWO Calculators For The Price of One…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get two sets for $9.98

These Unisonic dual pack calculators are a great tool for
those who need dependable calculators for office work or
on-the-go calculations. One of the calculators can function
in any light and automatically switch to battery power when
it gets dark. With its large 8-digit display, you can see the
results clearly.

FEATURES:
- One (1) battery powered calculator
- One (1) solar powered calculator
- Both have large 8-digit liquid crystal display
- For personal and professional use
- Floating decimal point system
- Auto power shut off function feature
- 10-functions plus full-feature memory
- Recall memory and percentage keys
- Two (2) Carrying cases included

Grab one set for $5.99 or get two sets for $9.98. Visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3631/c/120/a/498

Auto Shut Off Calculator 2-pk by Unisonic

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam
decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work
was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put
off. After several weeks he still hadn’t been paid and he
had to threaten the madam, “Pay me or I’ll rip out the
partition!”

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. “Take any
girl in the house and have your pleasure with her.”

“I’ll take you.”

“Me? I’m 20 years older than most of the women here. Why
don’t you take one of those young, good looking ladies.”

“I want you,” the carpenter replied.

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid
her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one
finger in her butt.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I told you before. Pay me or I’ll rip out the partition.”

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I think I contracted the swine flu. My head is swimming, my
sinuses are completely blocked and I have cold sweats. If
it’s not swine flu something is having one hell of a party
inside my body.

So I went to the local pharmacy which has a little ‘clinic’
inside of it and sat down with the nurse practitioner.

“Do I have the swine flu?” I asked straight out.

She gave a tired sort of laugh, like she had already heard
that question a thousand times. “Probably not, but there is
really no way to tell without running an EXPENSIVE test,”
she said, emphasizing the important word.

“And knowing whether you have it or not wouldn’t help you
anyway since we’d treat it exactly the same way as we’d
treat any other variety of flu.”

“But I’m sure I have the swine flu,” I insisted, “I don’t
want to become a WHO statistic! Are you sure there is no
simple way to determine if I have it?”

She rubbed her eyes and looked at me with a sigh, “Have
you felt like fucking in shit lately?”

My kind of nurse,

TZ

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing
her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very
difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,”
she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse
me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

150 EPISODES OF CLASSIC SCI-FI TV on 12 DVDs
You Won’t Find A Better Collection Of Rare Sci-Fi Stuff…

List Price: $79.99
DEAL PRICE: $24.99
That’s less than 18 cents an episode…

Once in a while an offer comes around that is so good you
just have to jump right away to get it. This is one of
those offers. If you have fond memories of growing up with
Flash Gordon, One Step Beyond, Rocky Jones… even Captain
Z-Ro, then take the opportunity to order this now!

:::: SUPER VALUE – Under $.18 per episode ::::

These have been re-mastered and vary in quality, but ALL are
extremely watchable. You have an opportunity to recapture
those nostalgic feelings of when you first saw them.

This collection was put together with loving care. The 16
episodes of One Step Beyond are worth the entire price by
themselves. This makes one of the best gifts you could ever
get a Sci-Fi Fan.

To order or see the entire listing of programs included, visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14502/c/120/a/498

150 EPISODES OF CLASSIC SCI-FI TV on 12 DVDs

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find
his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What the hell’s going on?” he asks.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s
dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no
clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the ward-
robe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally
naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You bastard!!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart
attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked
scaring the kids?”

“The Obamas gave NBC news unprecedented access to the White
House. Wherever Obama went, Brian Williams went. Last night
we got to see Obama buying hamburgers. Then they showered
together a couple of times.” -Jimmy Kimmel

Handy Trends Upside Down Tomato Planter
World’s Easiest Way To Grow Vegetables…

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $12.99
Get two for $19.98

I have wanted this item for almost two months. And judging
by the email I’ve gotten from many of you… you have been
waiting too.

Well wait no more… The Upside Down Tomato Planter is here.
One thing I did not know is that you can use this for other
vegetables besides Tomatoes.

The Handy Trends Upside Down Tomato Planter is an ingenious
tomato/vegetable planter turns gardening upside down!. Grow
delicious, juicy tomatoes all season long simply by hanging it
on a deck, balcony or patio.

Simply plant a seedling plant in the wire basket, hang, water,
and watch it grow… yep it is that easy.

This efficient growing system yields up to 30 lbs of tomatoes
per plant. As we said… The Tomato Planter can grow more than
just tomatoes… try cucumbers, eggplants, herbs and more. You’ll
love how easy it is to have a garden on your patio.

To get more info or order, visit:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14505/c/120/a/498

Handy Trends Upside Down Tomato Planter

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his
fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was
anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the
uncle to ask him and addition question.

So the uncle asked, “What is three plus four?”

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said,
“Seven!”

The uncle said, “Listen kid, you can’t count it out on your
hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will
get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.”

So the little boy puts his hands in his pockets and his uncle
asked, “What is five plus five?”

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy
said, “Eleven!”

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Do you think I’m insensitive? This morning I stopped into
the bank, and on my way out I saw a plump, elderly Mexican
woman waddling up to the door. Being the gentleman I am I
held the door open for her.

She grinned up at me and said, “Gracias, senor,” in a thick,
just-across-the-border accent.

I pulled the collar of my shirt up over my nose and mouth
and answered, “You’re welcome.”

She scowled at me and muttered, “Hijo de puta!” as she went
in. I’m not sure what that means, but it didn’t sound good.

Cautiously,

TZ

“And Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced he is
retiring next month. You know who’s replacing him? I was
surprised. Conan.” –Jay Leno

Micro Light LED Keychains w/ Retractable Pen (3 pack)
Available At 1/2 Price…

List Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $4.99
Get Two for $7.98

No more fumbling about in the dark! The Powerbeam Micro
Lights project a powerful high-intensity beam of L.E.D.
light so you can see and be seen in the dark.

Its unique and sturdy design, works with 2 lithium CR2016
batteries (INCLUDED!), and provides a long-lasting use.

There are so many things I love about this., like:
- It’s small so it’s not a burden to have on my keys
- The switch is big and easy to turn on with my thumb
- The light is very powerful
- The pen is just the coolest idea and can come in handy

The Powerbeam Micro Lights gift pack includes a set of 3
keychains: red, green and blue. Plus as a BONUS, each key-
chain has a hidden retractable pen.

Get one 3-pack (3 Micro Lights) for $4.99 or two 3-Packs
(6 Micro Lights) for $7.98. VISIT:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14470/c/117/a/498

Micro Light LED Keychains w/ Retractable Pen (3 pack)

This guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough
not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets
home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the
story.

“Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”

“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed
it back here, shoot, they we’re just getting started, so I
figure, I got time for a couple more beers.”

“Right now, I’m an hour away from a long, luxurious weekend
of washing my hands every five minutes and loading my shot-
guns to fight off any swine flu zombies that might wander
into the yard.” –Jimmy Kimmel

You won’t find a more effective product…
SAVEX FOOT CARE SALVE

List Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $3.49
Get Two for $5.98

Feel the soothing sweetness of this salve working its magic
on your tired, dry or itchy feet.

Featuring skin-friendly oils like Mineral, Lanolin and more
(full list on site), this deep-penetrating foot salve will
re-hydrate severely dry skin, aid in the healing of cracks and
eliminate itching. This wonder salve even prevents foot odor!

Unlike lotions which are high in water content which can
actually cause dryness, this salve has no water to promote
faster healing… for healthier feet. Also contains Menthol
which acts as an antiseptic, anti-irritant & cooling skin soother.

The Savex Foot Care Salve is a MUST for any diabetic.

It lasts long too… it can provide hydration for up to six
hours… no more constant applying of lotions.

You won’t find a more effective product as Savex Foot Care
Salve. Grab a jar for $3.49 or get two for $5.98. VISIT:

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14469/c/120/a/498

SAVEX FOOT CARE SALVE

I have a sister who is about 6 years older than myself, and
who, after graduating high school, married a navy man.

After a short stint in Key West, my sister and new brother-
in-law were stationed at the Norfolk NAS in Virginia.

On the occasion of my 14th birthday, my sister sent me a
wonderful package. It was a real wooden box labeled
“Virginia’s Finest Sampler.”

The box contained several vacuum sealed ham steaks, a pound
of dry cured bacon, a jar of Red Clover honey, a cloth bag
of corn bread mix, another of buttermilk biscuit mix, and a
small tin of specially blended tea.

That evening, I skittered into the kitchen to cook up my
birthday meal. I cooked up the corn bread and ham, and
opened a can of turnip greens to go with it, but when I went
to brew up the tea, the little tin was no where to be found.

Yelling to my parents from the other room, “Has anyone seen
my tea?”

“Your What?” came the reply.

“MY TEA! I’VE LOST MY VIRGINIA TEA!”

I immediately heard my parents in uproarious laughter. After
composing themselves, the tea was located and dinner was
served.

I still have that little tin, which once held my precious
“Virginia tea,” and it has become quite the topic of
conversation.

———————————————————————————————–

*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***

It’s Available. The Laffaday Book… Check it out, it’s
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:

Laffaday Book

———————————————————————————————–

END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.